Dear Dr Dick,
There's a pretty girl who works down at the local library whom I'm very
keen to ask out. The trouble is this: she always wears this vivid, bright
purple lipstick. A man-about-town friend tells me that women always wear
lipstick that matches the colour of their labia. Is this true?
Paying lip service,
Albany, Western Australia
February 1.
Doctor Dick replies:
The correlation between face lip and genital lip colour has been
well and truly documented in a number of major university sex studies this
century in not only the West and East, but down South as well. What emerges
from this extensive research is that the women involved are not even aware
they are aping their genital colouration when they generously apply their
lippy before a big night out. It's why most young women of dating age, while
wearing a wide range of lipstick colours, prefer healthy earth and fire
colours that reflect their current labial colouration. As they get older,
women use less and less lippy and it goes without saying there's a very
simple explanation as to why women's lips become dried, cracked and parchment
coloured in middle and old age. Bearing all this in mind, I'd really advise
on aesthetic grounds alone against dating someone with purple lipstick,
and particularly on health grounds in the case of any trendy young woman
who wears green or yellow coloured lipstick allegedly as a fashion statement.
Oh, and I guess by now you've got another question ready.
Yes, those African tribeswomen who wear huge plates in their lower lips
are not doing it for show.
Dear Dr. Dick,
My boyfriend has a fascination with having anal sex. I always refuse his
request and he gets annoyed about that. He really enjoys getting his anal
passage tickled, so I’m confused. Is he gay???
Confused & Concerned
February 14
Doctor Dick replies:
You're confused and concerned? You haven't told me whether you're
male or female!
Dear Doctor Dick
Why do I have LUMPY cum? Everytime I blow, it comes out in LUMPS and my
dick hurts.
SoreEYE!!!!
October 6, 1998
Doctor Dick replies:
You are having sex far too often. Those lumps are in fact small
chunky bits of the lining of your urethra.
Dear Doctor Dick,
My problem is that every time I masturbate, my penis starts to burn. It
happens also after I’ve had a leak. I also have to go to the toilet
to empty my bowel even though it’s already empty. This usually lasts
about an hour. This has been going on for more than a year now. Is this
normal? Please advise if there’s some simple way to cure this. I can’t
go to my family doctor because she’s also a very good family friend.
Please keep this off the web and answer me directly and if you do have to
put it on your web, please keep my name off.
Thanks... hoping to hear from you soon.
F.Q. (not his real initials)
September 14
Doctor Dick replies:
In answer to the first part of your question, I had exactly the
same problem for years at college until I stopped using Dencorub as a late-night
lubricant. Some of your other questions seem to be of a more general medical
nature and outside the scope of my studies.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I have these white spots that have appeared on the head of my penis. They
are not painful but my girlfriend is worried for sexual health reasons and
says I should go and get them checked out. What do you think?
Name and address supplied
Late last year.
Doctor Dick replies:
Unless you've been painting the ceiling in the nude, I totally
agree with her. Besides, what if your dick goes completely white? Who the
hell are you going to please with THAT!
Dear Doctor Dick,
Does the penis shrink with age?
Thanks.
Name, address and
penis length withheld.
February 28.
Doctor Dick replies:
I've got this horrible feeling you're not going to like my answer
one little bit, so to speak. You'd better go and make yourself a nice cuppa,
come back, sit down and relax and then I'll answer your query.
Dear Dr Dick,
I’ll get straight to the point. I am unhappy with the size of my vagina.
My boyfriend loves it but I feel very conscious of its size. It's not the
underneath of it but the top (if you know what I mean). It's fat! I want
to know if there are other girls like me. I have seen naked girls, in porn,
but they all have these little discreet vaginas. I hate wearing tight trousers
for fear of others seeing the shape and thinking it to be abnormal. It gives
me pleasure, as do all vaginas, no doubt, but when I look at it and touch
it I want to take some of the fat away. I’m not unattractive, and I’m
slim, it's just this God-awful thing that bugs me, I want a normal fanny!
Please help. If I knew other beautiful girls had big, fat fannies, I wouldn’t
be so inhibited.
L,
February 28, 1999
Doctor Dick replies:
As a professional sex therapist, I field many queries from women
upset at having pissflaps like Gene Autrey's saddlebags.
As always, my advice remains the same, particularly to someone confident
enough to describe herself as 'beautiful with a big fat fanny'.
It's this: you are very, very normal. You've got it, baby, so flaunt it!
Be pussy proud!
Just as the clitoris in Australian women is their penis equivalent, only
often bigger, your labial layers – both majora and minora (or as they
are known in medical circles by the Latin, Beefus curtainus) – are
your equivalent of male testicular tissue.
A woman such as yourself with rich, succulent and meaty labia (by the way,
it's a crying shame you didn't send some 8 by 10 colour glossies so that
Bug readers could better understand what we're on about here) is telling
a potential mate: I've got balls too, buster! Besides, if it's okay for
you to crack a fat, it's okay for me to have a fat crack.
So forget those porn stars whose acting is as shallow, colourless and pinched
as their sex organs, and flaunt your womanhood in all its pulchritudinous
beauty.
Hop into those skin tight jeans right know, go out on the town with your
boyfriend and proudly show off which side you dress on – both!
Dear Doctor Dick,
I'm back.
Name, address and
penis length withheld.
February 28.
Doctor Dick replies:
Yes.
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick
can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006,
or drop him an e-mail.
