LEO
That pearl necklace your boyfriend gave you for Valentine's Day starts to itch to blazes so you wash it off.

VIRGO
You can't believe your luck when, walking down a darkened lane late at night armed only with a 3lb cricket bat, you bump into a frail and elderly octagenarian who turns out to be the inventor who first put the caps lock and shift keys right beside each other on a typewriter keyboard.

GEMINI
You toss and turn all night wondering if you're the only person in Australia who can't make head or tail of Channel Nine's new comparative run-rate cricket chart.

JOHN HOWARD
Rather disturbingly, those nightly dreams of having Mark Taylor's love child become even more vivid and ten times more colourful.

BORN LOSER
That brand-new Nokia 9850 mobile phone you purchased just last week is now seven models old.

SAGGITARIUS
If I'd known you were coming, I'd have baked a cake, baked a cake, baked a cake.

TAURUS
You toss and turn all night wondering if octagenarian has been spelt properly in one of the star signs above.

VIRGO
Normally the possessor of a very quiet and restrained personality, your decision to agree to an eveningof wild and abandoned sex with your new employer ends in disaster when one of the gerbils takes a wrong turn.

JULIAN O'NEILL
You spread yourself a little too thinly for your own good.

CACNER
Those lessons in touch typing are not coming along as well as you'd hoped.

CHRISTIAN BROTHER
One boy, boy for sale, he's going cheap, only 20 guineas.

CAPRICORN
More than 10 years of wedded bliss that made you the envy of your friends comes to a bitter end during a languid early afternoon lovemaking session when your spouse arrives home unexpectedly from work.