Oh, my God... it's Preamble Man!

An exciting archaeological find in the nation's capital has confirmed Australia as the cradle of human existence.
The world's oldest continent can now claim the world's first humans, with the discovery of a perfectly preserved specimen scientists have excitedly dubbed Preamble Man.
The country's leading archaeologists and palaeontologists were called to Parliament House when workers uncovered Preamble Man's burial chamber during excavations to enlarge the Cabinet meeting room to accommodate Peter Costello's ego.
They were stunned at how well-preserved the mummy was, a condition they have put down to the rarified atmosphere that exists in Canberra and especially up on Capitol Hill.
Even only after preliminary tests, the scientists at the high-security dig site are confident Preamble Man is indeed the missing link between modern humans and the great apes. They say the find is far more important in unlocking the mysteries of human evolution than the diminutive 'Lucy' in South Africa or indeed Boris Yeltsin in Russia.
"Preamble Man is short in stature and possesses very simian qualities," said ANU Professor Max Williams, head of the scientific team undertaking the mammoth task of unlocking the mysteries of Preamble Man's past.
"He's got big brushy eyebrows and a sloping forehead," Prof Williams said. "Frankly, it's not a pretty sight, even for such a well-preserved specimen."
"Preamble Man was found in a foetal position on a funeral bier not unlike those quaint old Chesterfield lounges you used to see in early black and white movies."
The scientists are still divided as to the significance of hundreds of pieces of crunched-up paper that littered Preamble Man's burial chamber.
"Basically, they're all gobbledegook but our language experts are trying to unlock the code now."
To underline the enormity of the task, Prof. Williams released the preliminary English translation of one of the notes.
It reads: "Notwithstanding all that is stated, inferred or implied, either in a covert or overt tacitity in sub-section 3, clause 4 above, in the absence of any other matters which may or may not be brought to light now or in the future, it must be stated that a prima facie case could be seen to exist, per se, that those inhabitants in the first instance, as defined fully in the red preliminary schedule and definitions booklets so attached, did in fact reside, albeit in a non-permanent, translocationary and entirely nomadic manner on these shores and environs, and that some degree of credit could be perceived to be attached, in a non-legally binding way, to an argument, if so put, that the aforementioned inhabitants did suffer some degree of inconvenience from the discharge, albeit accidental, of introduced firearms by those inhabitants in the second instance, as defined fully in the red preliminary schedule and definitions booklets so attached, at a time in our nation's history when our benevolent and mightly God in Heaven ruled over an emerging society which lacked a popular, powerful and charismatic leader capable of banning such weapons...."
The scientists have been more successful in painting a picture of Preamble Man's day-to-day existence.
"Swab specimens taken from around Preamble Man's lips suggest his staple diet was spittle," Prof Williams said.
"And religion, based on both female and male deities, seems to have played an important part in Preamble Man's life.
"His burial chamber is adorned with images of what were obviously his sacred Gods. There's a faded colour portrait of a plain young woman in a long blue gown and wearing a tiara, an old chieftain with white hair and big black eyebrows in a pin-stripped ceremonial gown, and a rotund figure, presumably a priest, dressed in white and carrying a sceptre not unlike a modern-day cricket bat and chewing gum."
Professor Williams said that on the evidence to date, it would appear that Preamble Man came from that period of pre-history between the Pig Iron Bob Age and Thatcheric era.
"We suspect Preamble Man was basically a hunter and conveyancer who came to grief because he stumbled way beyond his intellectual and physical capabilities.
"We think Preamble Man reached his full potential about the age of 20. He was intellectually incapable of absorbing new ideas after this time or indeed altering pre-existing views formed to that point.
"We think this why he eventually became extinct. We certainly hope so."