Dear Doctor Dick,
Many thanks for your insightful and honest thoughts on the various sexual
woes of your readers. Much of your advice to others I have seen fit to follow
myself. So I think it is about time I was able to give something back. My
tip: I have found a way to make my cock eleven inches long – I fold
it in half.
Satisfied
July 30
Doctor Dick replies:
Thank God you didn't e-mail us in the middle of summer!
Dear Doctor Dick,
Why does Angela not want to fuck me; she’s wicked hot, I love her.
Fresh prince says “holla holla to all the sexy ladies out there”
Bi Wily
August 12
Doctor Dick replies:
Don't you just hate it when you tell a women you love her and she still
won't come across!
Dear Doctor Dick,
Hello, I was wondering if you could answer a very embarrassing question.
I recently had sex with my dog and I was wondering if it is possible to
catch something or, ummm, get pregnant? And also am I a sicko for having
sexual fantasies about animals? I hope you can help me as I'm very worried
now and I can’t go to my local GP about it! Thanx.
JC
July 16
Doctor Dick replies:
Each and everyone of us, I believe, confronts this dilemma of possible sexual
interaction with the animal world at some time in our lives. Your humble
therapist is no exception. He remembers how, as an adolescent staying on
a dairy farm on the Atherton Tableland in the late 40s, he was given the
task of feeding buckets of skimmed milk to the poddy calves. The young cattle
would feed greedily at the bucket and then, if you pushed a milk-soaked
finger in their direction they would suck sensuously on the digit, seeking
whatever nourishment was to be found there. After a few days of this mutually
pleasurable activity, your future brilliant medical student, himself on
the threshold of adult life, got to thinking how pleasurable it would be
if his penis somehow accidentally dislodged itself from his trouser fly
and landed in the general vicinity of the poddy's milk-stained muzzles.
This is in no way meant to reflect on your own particular choice, JC, but
your therapist-to-be somehow inherently knew that allowing those cute little
poddy calves to suckle on his penis would be very, very wrong indeed, particularly
as the calves were always fed in the house paddock which was in clear view
of the farmhouse kitchen window. Still, if the good doctor had succumbed
to temptation, would a head job from a hungry heifer constitute having sex
with an animal, as appears to be the situation in your case? And more importantly,
are either acts – probably criminal by law – also morally reprehensible.
Most societies through the ages have had strict social mores prohibiting
inter-species sex. Admittedly, these taboos first took root in earlier civilisations
when famine and disease took an enormous toll on humankind, and spiritual
leaders of the day realised they had an enormous responsibility to ensure
the survival of the species by shaming early man back to the boudoir from
his trusty yak, llama, camel or whatever nice piece of ass he was into at
the time. In modern times and with an overpopulated, aging world, these
taboos are probably losing some of their impact. Add to that the scourge
of killer diseases like AIDS and Hepatitis 12X still to be addressed and
the trend in many societies towards more and more people living on their
own with diminishing social contact and, as a consequence, limited outlets
for their sexual expression, it is only natural that some people such as
yourself are turning to man's best friend for comfort. They con-fido in
them, if you like. Nevertheless, many religions and, indeed, the society
at large, if recent opinion polls are to be trusted, still abhor the practice
of inter-species sex. You subconsciously are probably aware of that: hence
your concern about being seen as a sicko for your animal fetishes. You can
take some comfort from the fact that some leading sociologists, criminologists
and, indeed, noted philosophers, are now beginning to argue that such sexual
practices should not be condemned out of hand, provided of course that the
animal involved is not hurt or humiliated in any way or put at risk of disease.
One of the leading proponents of this view was Professor Harold Creighton
of Eaton College, England, author of the seminal work in the field, The
Animal Within Me, published posthumously in 1993 two years after he contracted
distemper and had to be put down. As to your questions about the threat
of pregnancy and disease, the former is impossible but you have every reason
for concern over the latter. Like men, dogs, even your own, are only inhuman
so you can never really be sure about where they've been or who they've
been with. And dogs, like men, hate using condoms. Come to think of it,
I'm not sure if (a) dog condoms are manufactured anywhere in the world and,
if they are, (b) how do you go about putting a condom on a randy Rottweiler.
So if this relationship is to continue, may I strongly recommend the use
of a female condom at the very least. While not condemning your choice of
sexual partner, may I finish by saying that perhaps you should give the
male of the human species one final chance at redemption. Most men I know
would be more than happy to service you doggy style if that remains your
preference. I trust I have been of some assistance: how you act on this
advice remains very much a matter between you and your own particular Dog.
Dear Dr Dick,
Perhaps you can help me. The other day I was sitting on my back deck relaxing.
I happened to glance at my dog. He was luxuriating in the warm sunlight,
then he slowly started to lick his scrotum, up and down, very deliberately.
It got me thinking about how lucky he was, laying on the deck all day licking
his nuts, and I thought: “God, I wish I could do that!” The problem
is that he growls when I get too near. Any ideas?
DG
August 3
Doctor Dick replies:
Any ideas on how to stop your dog growling when you approach
him or how to stop using jokes with hairs on them? Still, what is it with
this rush of canine carnal caper confessions to the world's most popular
sex advice column!! Isn't it amazing: here we are, supposedly the most intelligent
species on the planet, and you've got this uncontrollable urge to lick your
dog's testicles! Who provides shelter for your dog? You! Who feeds him daily?
You! Who keeps his water bowl all freshly topped up every day. You! Out
of the two of you, who can't lick their own testicles? You! So, all things
considered, who do you think should be licking whose testicles?
Dear Doctor Dick,
I awoke this morning to a real burning and itching sensation. I thought
I had a yeast infection but on an examination I found what appears to be
a skin tag with another protruding from the original. I was wondering if
there is any thing I can do for this. My ex spouse is a truck driver and
my last HIV test was three months ago. He was in town two weeks ago we well
.... you get the picture I am sure. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
You could also e-mail me if you so desire. Thank you.
Name and address withheld
August 20.
Doctor Dick replies:
This sounds suspiciously like a real plea for help. Please consult
your local GP.
Dear Doctor Dick,
My boyfriend and I go out a lot. When we go out, we always get pretty loaded.
I get real horny and want to have sex. The problem is, my boyfriend can’t
get it up. We decided it is because he is so drunk. Is this really the reason
why, and if so, is it normal? Please reply.
Thanks, Foxy Coxy
August 13
Doctor Dick replies:
No it's not because he's drunk and no, it's not normal. He's
probably just a poof.
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick
can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006,
or drop him an e-mail.
