Got a little Johnny joke for you.
This English teacher, right, comes into class with all the English essay exam papers she's been busy marking over the weekend.
"Who wants to get their marks first?" she says, and scores of eager hands fly up.
Johnny's up the back waving his hand frantically and calling out: "Pick me, miss. Pick me!"
She ignores him and turns to a girl in the front row.
"Up to your usual high standard, Suzanne," the teacher says, passing over the girl's work. "Creative. Imaginative. Eighty-two percent."
"Pick me, miss. Pick me!" yells out little Johnnie as the teacher studiously ignores him.
"Andrew. Not too bad. 65 percent." "Laura. It was a topic you obviously felt strongly about. Eighty-three percent."
Finally, she can't ignore little Johnny any longer so walks over and stands by his desk.
"Long and often laboured," she begins, not trying to cushion the blow.
Little Johnnie looks crestfallen.
"It is ponderous and indulgently over-long."
And because she knows what he's capable of, she adds: "Its disappointments seem twice as brutal."
Little Johnnie looks almost in tears as the teacher drops the essay on his desk.
"Seventy-five percent."
Okay, it's not much of a joke but we thought the Sunday Mail's review of Eyes Wide Shut was.
All the descriptions of little Johnny's effort above came from the Sunday Mail review.
Yet despite all that, it gave the film three-and-a-half stars out of five.
That's at least 75 percent, according to our shonky arithmetic. You go figure!