GEMINI
You take in a screening of Eyes Wide Shut and to your amazement, even though he didn't do anything for you in Jerry McGuire, Mission Impossible, A Few Good Men or any number of other outings over recent years, you find yourself turned on incredibly by Tom Cruise. Having seen in EWS what can happen when a spouse suddenly outlines a secret fantasy in all its gory details, you wisely keep your Tom Cruise turn-on from your good wife

SAGITTARIUS
You drive along and see a billboard that says Pat Rafter's number one. Suddenly the heavens open up and it starts pissing all over your car. A week later, you drive past the same spot and thank God he has since slipped back to No 4 and not No 2.

BRISBANE
You dine out on the city's footpaths and think you've hit the big time.

VIRGO
Regarded by friends as one of nature's truly decent and really nice people, you go the RSPCA's pet refuge with your eager, expectant young family and happily fork out $65 for an unwanted puppy euthanised that very morning.

HEATHER BEATTIE
When a state government limousine turns up unexpectedly outside your house and the driver says you are wanted urgently at the top end of George Street for yet another photo opportunity, you wonder what new fuck-up your husband's government has got itself into.

BILL DARCY
You put the Net Bet fiasco behind you, knuckling down and working diligently for the people in your safe southside seat of Woolbridge.

JFK JUNIOR
Whatever you do, don't fly for at least the next two weeks!
(Editor's note: a lack of space caused this star to be left over from a recent edition. We apologise for any inconvenience.)

AQUARIUS
Always wait 20 minutes after eating. A good 30 if red meat is involved.

ARIES
In your sleep you think up the most brilliant, absolutely perfect nickname for our new Aussie four by 200metre world record holders – a monicker that makes the Oarsome Foursome and Mean Machine titles of yesteryear look decidedly twee and destined to make you rich and famous if you register it straight away– only to wake up next morning to find that you can't for the life of you remember what it was.

LEO
You lie awake all night wondering why, if you pay through the nose for Pay TV, you still have to sit through all those fucking ads.
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GEMINI
You become a vocal and outspoken critic of GM foods, believing vehemently that they should stick to making cars.

ANY STAR SIGN WE MAY HAVE MISSED
Bombarded day after day by all the hype surrounding the upcoming The Blair Witch Project, you start to wonder why on earth anyone would want to make a movie about Pauline Hanson's last federal election campaign.