SAGITTARIUS
You fall on hard times and fracture a collarbone.

CANCER
You scratch yourself while eating at McDonalds and win a new car.

GEMINI
You lie awake in bed all night wondering why it's never women who are responsible for putting the toilet seat back up for their menfolk.

JOHN LAWS
Stung by criticisms of your on-air arrangements with the banking industry, you leave your citadel of courage for a relaxing lunchtime meal at your favourite Chinese restaurant, Wung Chews, on the North Shore. You really don't know how they can put on such scrumptious seafood day after day at that price, but they do, you know, and you're not complaining because such cuisine is one of the few good things to come out of this terrible mistake they call multiculturalism, a silly, politically correct idea, just so negative when most of us are simply out there trying to keep the dream alive, as we all are. Outside the entrance to Wung Chews, you team up with your good close mates, John Simpson, the CEO from Toyota Australia, and your mate Alan Smith from Rams Home Loans. John throws you the keys to this week's Toyota turbocharged LandCruiser - my word, now that's a luxury limousine you can take anywhere, just let the kilometres swish past as you and the princess enjoy all that power and all those features just perfect for any conditions - from smooth city streets to the most rugged terrain this beautiful big brown land of ours can offer. Just what you need after all the attacks from those cringing cowards hellbent on bringing a success story to heel - and they can try but you know and we know that they won't succeed - Australia's got to shake off this dreadful habit of cutting down tall poppies just because, well, they're tall. And none of us are going to let them pull the wool over our eyes on this issue. Wool sure, but not nearly as good as the wool off RAMS, and you know you've been a little kinder to the banks in recent weeks because you can read and you can change your mind - we all can, if we're prepared to listen, not keep our ears closed like some of those out to tear down the good things that you - and the listeners - have built here. Good things, as I said, like quality Australian wool and here's something else to give you a warm feeling, RAMS Home Loans. Now they've certainly picked up their game, the banks, but they needed to. Had to. RAMS is still in there making sure we've all got a change to do that one thing that's important to us; keeping the dream alive. It's nice to know that mateship still counts for something in this country, and as you sit there enjoying this superb, ridiculously cheap food with your good friends from Toyota and RAMS, you look across the sparking still waters off Palm Beach to the beautiful homes perched on the hill and a certain melancholy grips you and you wished you owned more of them. But then Wung cracks open another superb bottle of that excellent Rosemount chardonnay - does any country in the world make better, more accessible wines than Australia - wouldn't think so. And you've seen them all. With Qantas of course. Took you and the Princess in absolute comfort and safety to America only last week and you thank them for that. Excellent service and food in the air - and on the ground as well. Perfect. Just like the Hunter Valley and your very good friends at Chardonnay. They rang today too, out of the blue, just like John and Alan, simply to say: keep your chin up mate, and don't let the bastards get you down. Yes, mateship will get you through this; you know that now as the late afternoon shadows lengthen outside Wung Chews. You'll keep your chin up, you know you will. Your spirits rise. It's just about time to go to Catalina's and you feel a poem coming on, perhaps a whole book of them.

VIRGO
You seek a viagra prescription from your family doctor after you go to your local singles club on a Friday night and pick up a one-minute stand.

ARIES
Your family runs out of food so your father decides to eat the family dog. At the end of the meal you ask your father what to do with the bones. He says give them to the dog. Your family spends the next five hours looking for the dog.

SURFERS PARADISE HIGH-RISE
With each passing year, your desire to go swimming gets stronger and stronger.

SAGITTARIUS
You start to suspect your vibrator of seeing another woman behind your back.

LEO
You start to enjoy rap music, a condition you wisely keep to yourself.

ALAN JONES
You pray to God that the various inquiries into John Laws's commercial activities will throw the book at him, seeing he'd such a left-wing, egotistical arsehole.

DEPRESSO
You are shattered to learn you are not depressed just unhappy.

EPIC
A thrilling journey spanning three continents and five generations. Two lovers fight against the odds to be reunited. Made for video.

KU KLUX KLAN
You gain acceptance by embracing political correctness.

JFK JNR
You hope those rescue helicopters come soon because even a Kennedy can only walk on water for so long.