Worst Australian movie of the year:
1. The Craic
2. Holy Smoke
3.Welcome to Woop Woop
4. The Wog Boy
5. Cut
Worst movie any where:
1. Thighs Wide Shut
2. Joan of Arc
3. End of Daze
4. The Haunting
5. Life
6. Deep Blue Sea
Movie where the amount of hype was inversely proportional to its entertainment
– or for that matter – any other value:
1. Star Wars: The Phantom Meandering
2. Thighs Wide Shut
3. The Blair Witch Project
Movie that was about an hour and a half too long for its own good:
1. Star Wars: The Phantom Meandering
2. Thighs Wide Shut
3. The Blair Witch Project
4. The Green Mile
5. Magnolia
6. The End of the Affair
7. The Insider
8. The Hurricane
9. Snow Falling on Cedars
10. Cider House Rules
11. Joan of Arc
12. The King and I Revisited without Music.
13. End of Daze
14. The Haunting
15. Wild Wild West
16. One True Thing
17. Space prevents us from listing the other 203 nominees in
this category.
The most unbelievable romantic pairing:
1. Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta Lightburn Jones: Entrapment
2. Harvey Keitel and Kate Winslett: Holy Smoke
3. Harrison Ford and Kristin Scott Thomas: Random Hearts
Best foreign language film:
My Name is Joe.
Most wooden performance by a male actor in a lead role
1. Jimeon: The Craic
2. Harvey Keitel: Holy Smoke
3. Every bloke in Cut
4. Ralph Finnes: The End of the Affair
5. Hugh Grant: Mickey Blue Eyes
6. Harrison Ford: Random Hearts
Most wooden performance by a female actor in a lead role
1. Julie Roberts: Runaway Bride
2. Milla Jovovich: Joan of Arc
3. Kristin Scott Thomas: Random Hearts
4. Catherine Zeta-Lightburn-Jones-Douglas: The Haunting
5. Saffron Burrows: Deep Blue Sea
Best erect penis in a supporting role:
Romance
Most frightening moment in any movie:
1. Star Wars: The Phantom Meandering: the opening credits where it
says Episode 1 and you suddenly realise that there's two more of this George
Lucas suckers out there somewhere.
2. Blair Witch Project: when the girl shouts "Three hours, max"
and nervous cinema patrons were forgiven for thinking she was referring
to the running time left for the movie and not how long it was going to
take her and her lost male colleagues to get out of the woods.
The Quentin Tarrantino award for the Australian movie that would have
garnered a swag of Oscar nominations and probably won a few if it had been
made in America by Miramax or Dreamworks and been directed by you-know-how
Two Hands
The Meryl Streep worst accent award:
1. Michael Caine as a yank doctor: The Cider House Rules
2. Jodie Foster as an English nanny: The King and I Revisited without
Music
3. Jar Jar Binks as a, er, arh, as a .........: Star Wars:
The Phantom Meandering
4. John Malkovich as John Malkovich: Being John Malkovich
The John Wayne Award for being paid a shitload of cash simply to play
yourself:
George Clooney: The Three Kings
Worst special effect in any movie:
Every special effects shot in The Cut.
The Irving JatzCracker Memorial Award for the most outstanding contribution
to the craft of motion pictures:
Kevin Costner, for not making one of his three-hour post-apocalyptic
sagas during the preceding 12 months.
The Shameless Product Endorsement Award:
1. Toy Story 2, for each and every scene
2. Star Wars: The Phantom Meandering: ditto
The "Not You Again" award for any actor who was prepared
to take on any absurd character role in any movie to further his craft and/or
pay packet.
Robert Carlyle for The Beach and The World is Not Enough.
Silliest single scene in any movie:
1. Deep Blue Sea: The final action sequence where the badly injured
guy finally comes on deck of the ill-fated ocean labatory without having
a clue what has been going on to date, and then takes immediate and decisive
action involving some really silly harpooning work.
2.The World is Not Enough: any scene with Pierce Brosnan in it.
3. The Beach: Leondardo De Caprio putting on a bandana and pretending
he's Rambo for the next 30 minutes in an futile attempt to refloat a sinking
island.
4. American Pie: the guy getting a blow job who actually tells the
girl when he's about to come.
5. American Pie: the guy who not only tells the girl when he's about
to come but even has time to lean over the bed and defy gravity and the
unbending nature of young erectile tissue to ejaculate into a glass of beer
on a bedside table.
Most absurd plotting device
1.The Green Mile: That the chief prison officer on death row in any
southern American prison in the '30s would have given two hoots if a negro
inmate was innocent or not.
2. The End of the Affair: That anyone could possibly find Ralph Finnes
remotely sexually attractive.
3. Star Wars: the Phantom Meandering: that the Empire couldn't find
a whole race of characters hiding in a forest near a big tree.
4.My name is Joe: that a seasoned and experienced social worker wouldn't
know the difference between a fuck and a relationship.
The sneakiest plotting device to throw us off the scent:
Bruce Willis not being dressed the way he was when he died, unlike every
other ghost in The Sixth Sense.
Nude scene most likely to give old boilers some hope that they haven't
lost it completely:
Rene Russo disrobing: The Thomas Crown Affair.
The most pathetic reason for a female lead actor to get most of her
kit off.
Deep Blue Sea: A dripping wet Dr Susan McAlester (Saffron Burrows)
takes off her dripping wet suit to reveal a dripping wet white bikini and
then stands on the dripping wet wetsuit and uses it as insulation while
she grabs a dripping wet power cable and zaps a dripping wet, marauding
oversized Mako shark with 50,000 volts of dripping wet prime-time juice.
The one scene that almost saved a total turkey:
Samuel L. Jackson being gobbled up seconds after making a "we're
going to get out of here if we keep our cool and stick together" speech.:
Deep Blue Sea.
British film that promised so much and ended up delivering so little:
Bedrooms and Hallways
The Alan Rickman Scale Award for hamming it up horrendously as a baddie:
Robert Carlyle – The World is Not Enough
Movie most likely to ruin a director's over-inflated sense of worth.
1. Holy Smoke
2. Thighs Wide Shut
The John Laws/Alan Jones Award for the most vomitous and transparent piece of hyperbole in a media kit/ production notes:
1. Joan of Arc
"I'd never played that before. I'm not playing a person. It's like
smoke. That was interesting to me, to be someone who is inside someone:
" - Dustin Hoffman explaining his role as Joan's Conscience.
2. The Green Mile
"I drove up a mountain just like Jack Torrance in The Shining
to try and find Stephen and say: Yes, I really want to do this."
- Director Frank Darabont explaining how badly he wanted to make Stephen
King's serialised novel, The Green Mile.
3. The Green Mile
"Tom fits like an old shoe. The minute that Frank mentioned
his name to me, I thought, 'this can't be, it's too good to be true'"
- Stephen King's reaction when told by director Darabont that old Tommy
"Two Gongs" Hanks was to play his kindly prison guard Paul Edgecomb.
4. American Beauty
"If you'd asked me who Carolyn Burnham was before we began filming,
I'd have given a totally different answer. Annette brought so much to the
character that she surprised me, and I think, at times, surprised even herself."
- Director Sam Mendes on the inspirational choice of Annette Bening for
one of his two principal protagonists.
5. The Thomas Crown Affair
"I liked the love story, the "Taming of the Shrew'
aspect of it. It's about how porcupines mate. You have two people who are,
in their own way, brutally successful. But than same cold independence that
works for them professionally, makes them failures at having a relationship.
These two could only get together in the middle of very dangerous circumstances."
- director John McTiernan.
6. Runaway Bride
"I said to Garry (director Garry Marshall) and Julia (Roberts),
I don't do comedy very often and I'm going to trust you to keep me on track
here, because you both do this so brilliantly." - Richard Gere
6. The Haunting
"They were an amazing ensemble. Individually, they are four
very gifted actors, who each stand out. But together they have an incredible
chemistry that adds so much to the movie."- Director Jan De Bont
The Critics Raspberry Award for the movie most likely to have fooled
a Brisbane-based mainstream media reviewer who wears glasses and is quite
tall and in the long run got just the number of Oscar nominations it deserved:
Thighs Wide Shut
The Oncology Ward Award for the film most likely to get young people
lighting up, especially women.
1. The Talented Mister Ripley
2. The Hurricane
Shittiest ending to any movie which finally made you realise what
a dried up pile of pelican poop it was all along:
1. The Craic
2. The Talented Mister Ripley
The "why on earth did they bother reshooting it virtually frame
for frame" award:
Psycho
Worst case of mis-casting in a single bound:
1. Jodie Foster as a prime and proper Englishwoman: The King and I Revisited
Without Music
2. Pierce Brosnan as James Bond, The World is Not Enough
3. John Malkovich as John Malkovich: Being John Malkovich
4. That insipid actor whose name escapes me just at the monent as Norman
Bates: Psycho, the Boring Remake
Just a few of the year's really entertaining movies that didn't get
a look in at the Oscars because their producers obviously didn't set aside
enough greenbacks for pre-Oscar vote-buying:
1. Election
2. October Sky
