The Big Fella is on a roll.....

Former Queensland Labor Party and independent Senator, Mal Colston, made headlines again recently by asking for free meals on the free rail trips to which he is entitled as a former parliamentarian.
Despite escaping trial over travel rort allegations by claiming he faced imminent death less than two years ago, Colston apparently is not too ill to use the publicly funded perks available to him – as well as ask for more.
The Bug has obtained a number of other pieces of correspondence which show his desire for free food on trains is not the only attempt by the larger-than-death Senator to wring freebies out of taxpayers and others.

20 November 1999

Managing Director
Ansett Airlines
200 Swanston Street
Melbourne
Vic 3000

Dear Sir,
I write as one of your long-standing and very frequent flyers to ask if you could meet a simple request of mine.
I have found that the toilets on modern aeroplanes have been gradually growing smaller since I first began flying regularly after my election as a Senator looking after the interests of all my fellow Queenslanders.
I cannot fathom why designers or engineers have insisted on providing less and less room in airline toilets. Nevertheless, this now poses a major problem for me.
I would simply ask that whenever I use your airline, at least one flight attendant be designated to render to me any assistance I require before, during and after using your toilet.
I trust oxygen masks are provided in aircraft toilet cubicles?

Yours sincerely,
Doctor Mal Colston BA DipEd PhD

7 February 1999

The Manager
Westside Electric Carts
129 Moggill Road
Toowong
Qld 4066

Dear Sir,
As you know, for some time now – and because of my deteriorating medical condition – I have been using one of your battery-powered carts to transport myself around my house.
My use of the cart has been the subject of considerable comment in the state and national media, some not entirely flattering to me.
However, because of this type of exposure, I believe you should now provide me with the cart free of charge.
After all, it is your firm that is gaining the free publicity every time me and my cart are shown television or photographed for the newspapers.
I believe this is a fair and reasonable arrangement and I seek your agreement to end my monthly payments.

Yours sincerely,
Doctor Former-Senator Mal Colston BA DipSht PhD

27 March 1999
The Manager
Commonwealth Car Fleet
Parliament House
Canberra
ACT 2600

Dear Sir,
As you are aware, I retired at the last federal election after many years of selfless service as a Queensland Senator.
For a long period of time in the Senate I maintained an office at the Gold Coast, some 100 kilometres south of my home in Brisbane.
To get to and from my office I naturally used a Commonwealth car, the cost of which was charged to my office.
However, as I now no longer make the 200-kilometre round trip I believe I should now be entitled to a credit for the cost of such journeys.
Please advise of the level of credit I can expect, how you intend to pay it, and whether Comcar has a frequent traveller rewards system.

Yours sincerely,

Doctor Former-Deputy Senate President Mal Colston BO Double DipSht RACQ

General Manager
Global Rewards Redemption Centre,
Ansett Airlines
200 Swanston Street
Melbourne
Vic 3000

Dear Sir/Madam,
With a few hours to kill the other evening, I sat down and checked my Global Rewards points tally on the latest statement you were kind enough to forward to me.
I was shocked to find that the many free first-class return fares my Parliamentary gold pass entitles me and my partner to each year in recognition of my selfless years of service on behalf of my fellow Queenslanders are not attracting points.
Please correct this oversight at your earliest possible convenience.
A bonus allocation of points – I notice from your excellent member magazine, Travelling Life, that a return first-class trip to Scotland for four would take only 800,000 points – would go some of the way to correcting the inconvenience your omission has caused.

Yours sincerely,
Doctor Mal Colston BA, QANTAS, DipEd PhD
VIP Lounge,
Heathrow Airport

Glamour Inground Pools R Us,
Wattlegrove Drive,
Wacol Industrial Estate,
Brisbane.

Dear Sirs,
You were no doubt delighted with the national television and press coverage given to the in-ground pool your company recently installed at my residence as a tax-deductible health therapy aid.
Considering it would be almost impossible to place a monetary value on that exposure and what it obviously means to your company's long-term business prospects, I do not believe you would expect or want me to make the second or, for that matter, any further repayments on that pool under the circumstances.
Accordingly, I consider the matter now closed.

Yours sincerely,
Doctor Mal Colston BA Quick Dip Before Lunch PhD

The Deputy Commissioner of Taxation,
Adelaide Street,
Brisbane. Q 4000.

Dear Sir,
I refer to your letter of November 12, 1999, rejecting my claim seeking a tax deduction for meals consumed by me while at my residential address.
Your rejection is based on a terribly misunderstanding that I now wish to correct.
At no time did I seek tax exemption for the entire cost of such home meals; indeed, I believe it would have been highly improper of me to have made such a claim as a respected former long-standing member of the federal Parliament.
My only claim was for that portion of the cost of said meals equal to the subsidised cost of meals consumed by me in the federal Parliamentary members' dining room during my many years of selfless service to the people of Queensland.
I believe that pro-rata claim to be quite reasonable, considering I'm using the same mouth to eat now as when I consumed those meals in Canberra.

Yours sincerely,
Doctor Mal Colston BA Savory Dip Ed PhD

Jenny Craig Enterprises,
200 George Street,
Sydney. NSW 2000

Dear Ms Jenny Craig Enterprises,
Some time ago, a panel of independent medical experts concluded that I had terminal cancer, with precious little time to live.
The expectation now is that the weight is really going to start sloughing off my body over coming months, a condition I'm sure you will agree represents an ideal "before and after" opportunity for your company's excellent weight loss dietary program.
I would be happy to be flown to Sydney to meet with you to negotiate reasonable remuneration for such a unique opportunity to promote your company's product range, with no likelihood whatsover of my ballooning out to pre-publicity proportions like all your other high-profile models once their media exposure and advertising contract are finalised.
Sadly, because of a bad back problem caused by my many years of selfless service to the good people of Queensland, I would require first class seats for myself and my staffers – or 'the family. as I affectionately refer to them.
I expect to hear from you shortly.

Yours sincerely,
Dietor Mal Colston BA DipEd PhD.

The Clan Historical Society
Cnr Royal Mile and Old Mill Road,
Edinburgh,
Scotland.

Dear Sirs,
I am an Australian clan chieftain who will be visiting your beautiful country shortly.
A month long visit is envisaged, so please contact all my fellow clan chiefs and arrange suitable accommodation in their respective palace quarters for myself, the Claness Dawn and my immediate family.
Yours in anticipation,

Doctor Mal McColston BA DipEd PhD