With Dr Dick still overseas in quarantine after the unfortunate and untimely flare-up of an old condition from his student days, the Prime Minister of Australia, the Right Honourable John Winston Howard has graciously taken time off from his busy schedule to fill the good doctor's shoes for one issue only.

Dear Prime Minister,

My wife caught me cheating with a work colleague the other day. It was a one-off adulterous fling and I wouldn't want it to wreck my marriage, especially as we have three pre-teenage children and I do still love them and her very much. I can't bare to think of a life without them in it every single day, and my wife says she'll forgive me if I apologise formally for my actions. What whould I do?

Guilt-ridden
Balmoral.
February 29.

The Prime Minister replies:
A formal apology for a past indiscretion by a penis you personally had no control over would seem a little unwarranted, wouldn't you agree?

Dear Prime Minister,

Please help me to understand the meaning of life!

Troubled
Prahan, Victoria
March 21.

The Prime Minister replies:
Life means not ever having to say you're sorry.

Dear Prime Minister,
I'm starting to have feelings that suggest I might be gay. I'm reluctant to raise the subject with my parents, who are fairly conservative in their views and who were quite outspoken in their criticism the other week when the Sydney mardi gras was shown on TV. I fear they will disown me if I tell the truth. I'm at my wit's end. Please help.

Confused
Botany Bay.
March 24.

The Prime Minister replies:
Over recent days I have had the honour to accompany our Queen of Australia on many of her official duties and may I say Queen Elizabeth the Second has never looked more lovely or so radiant. Being Queen has clearly done her no harm whatsoever over the decades; nor has it hurt my popularity as a fervent support of Her Majesty and the system of constitutional monarchist government she inspires. I believe you should take comfort from that.

Dear Prime Minister,
Just when I've started dating a woman who I believe could well be my life's partner, my genital herpes has flared up for the first time in over 12 years. What should I do?

Luckless
Laidley. Qld
March 16.

The Prime Minister replies:
Australia's new tax system that I personally risked my reputation and enormous Parliamentary majority over will come into effect from 1 July this year. A simplified and uncluttered 10 percent Goods and Services Tax on almost all items and services, combined with healthy tax cuts which will put a substantial amount of money back into everyone's pockets, should combine to put your nasty little problem into perspective.

Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006, or drop him an e-mail.