Peter Beattie
You finally finish work on your most treasured project to date – the score and book for an energetic and toe-tapping three-hour musical depicting your Premiership years. You ponder if it would be too egotistical to play the lead role once it goes into production.

Cancer
You breathe a sigh of relief after tests show that the host politician you had accidentally grown on was benign after all.

Gemini
You regularly feed a $50 note into a poker machine at your local and then collect the coins immediately so that other punters in the room will think you're a winner.

Leo
Your taxi driver tells you that the decline and fall of Pauline Hanson and her One Nation party was the best thing that has ever happened in Australian politics, and you immediately scan the cab's interior for the candid camera.

Cancer
You can't believe your luck when, walking down a deserted laneway armed only with a 3lb cricket bat, you encounter the person who invented the whipper-snipper.

Virgo
Your love life takes a dramatic downturn with the sudden disappearance from the internet of your favourite net site - tastefullypresentedopenwetsplitbeaver.com.

Howard
Your dream of giving Queen Elizabeth 2 of England a right royal rogering remains just that.

Virgo
Regarded by both work colleagues and friends as a rather dour, unimaginative type, you amaze yourself when you and your equally bland spouse discover an entirely new sex position never before tried in the history of humanity.

Sagittarius.
You lie awake in bed all night wondering why it is you have to pay all that money for pay-TV and you've still got to sit through an ever-increasing number of ads.

Aquarius
You try on a pair of Windsor Smith shoes and the salesman, noticing that they feel a little tight, reaches for his horn.