Pope says sorry

Here is the complete text of the Pope's recent unconditional 2000 Jubilee apology to the world for any excesses of the Catholic Church worldwide since its inception. It is translated from the Pope's native Polish and The Bug apologies unconditionally for any errors that may have occurred in translating his popecyclical into Australianese.

Gidday.
From time to time, you all make mistakes.
And the Catholic Church and all of its many thousands of practitioners are no exception, past and present Popes excluded, naturally.
The Catholic Church is a broad spectrum 40 plus church that has only ever wanted the very best for the world's people – and if it has made any mistakes in the heady pursuit of that laudable aim, we're ... I mean the rest of the church is sorry.
The church worldwide is big, big business – and like any business, we've been zealous in our marketing and recruitment campaigns. Overzealous? Perhaps. And if so, and if any one has been hurt by this understandable aim, sorry again.
Just remember this. As God's chosen Christian religion, we've only tried to get as many Catholics on the ground as possible over the centuries. Think about that. How many wars could have been avoided if decent practising Catholics had been on both sides? Exactly.
The more Micks on God's earth the better for everyone, surely. More Micks means less Muslims and Methodists. How anyone could disagree with that is really beyond this sick and frail old fellow, but enough about me.
Let's get down to the basic areas of concern to some church knockers and their very hurtful papal smears.

Naughty priests

Being married to God is not a thankless task, but it can be a bit lonely at times. While the big guy upstairs gives a lot of spiritual comfort to the many priests, brothers and laymen who do his earthly work, He's not really on hand to give a big comforting hug in an hour of need, is he?
Accordingly, scuttlebutt and innuendo arise from time to time that some priests resort to physical contact with members of their flock and some even allegedly engage in sexual congregation.
Now it is true that after a big Sunday service with full-blown exorcism, and long after the church has been de-flocked, things can get a little heady.
You're still on a high after that riveting hour-long allegorical sermon based on St Peter's struggle with the Holy Sea of Galileo after his outboard motor conks out. The incense is still in the air, the incantations of the flock urging you to forgive them linger in the rafters, and of course there's that communal church wine to be polished off, the flesh of Jesus to be wolfed down.
So it's understandable, perhaps, that in moments of quiet reflection in the sacristy when those sweet little clean-faced altar boys have helped you out of your surplice, and then shamelessly sashay around as they disrobe from their cute little faded red vestments to reveal those very kissable dimples on the backs of those precious, spotty little knees, things can sometimes get a tad in hand.
The church will not take such incidents lying down, of course, and where alleged cases appear, will take quick and decisive action.
Just the other day, for example, my cardinals told me that a Christian brother in a rural Queensland boys school was rumoured to have been having an unholy alliance with an underaged male student cum choirboy.
Guilty or innocent, this brother has been giving his marching orders and is now doing pastoral work in St Pedo's Refuge for Orphaned Boys with Bottoms Like Peaches in a completely different state. That clearly will give him time to reflect on any misdeeds on his part and a chance to start afresh by imparting God's will on his dear little charges.
While a case such as this is largely unsubstantiated and helps fuel an anti-Catholic media hell-bent on reporting on the hundreds of priests who go through the court system each week around the world, the church still apologises unreservedly for any pain and suffering that may have been caused in the pursuit of the church's aims, especially before the introduction of KY Jelly.

The Holocaust

Much has been written about the alleged lack of support given by the Catholic Church to the Jewish people during World War 2, and especially their victimisation during the Holocaust – or, as it's known in the Catholic Church – the German Inquisition.
But to be brutally honest, you had to be there to understand what was going down.
And you've got to admit the Wermacht was looking pretty good there for a while, with a string of quick victories over a lot of easy-beat countries.
They looked pretty good in their snappy uniforms, too, and seeing a lot of them were Catholic, it didn't make all that much sense to make too much noise over any alleged victimisation of the Jewish people with their beards, funny black hats and ridiculously high money-lending interest rates. Besides, if Jesus was really the King of the Jews, the Jews are the world's most unrepentant republicans, are they not?
Still, the Catholic Church should have read the tide of war much quicker than it did, and should have taken a more noble stand when it became clear the hopes of the Third Reich and the Jewish and Gypsy communities were going up in smoke.
Once again, oopsy daisy. Forgiven?

Spanish Inquisition

No one, not least of all everyone else in the Catholic Church hierarchy, expected the Spanish Inquisition to last as long as it did. Now it's true that perhaps a few people were unfairly victimised in the pursuit of pews-stacking by some overzealous church people for 800 years or so. For this, the church apologises unconditionally, although torture would not have been necessary if heathen folk had just confessed their sins quickly and been rewarded with a quick and painful death. No, we were wrong in that particular inquisition and as soon as one of my predecessors realised that, the inquisition was smartly closed down – in the 1910s. That won't happen again.

B. A. Santamaria
Sorry.

Anyone who wanted to buy hill-top land in Brisbane during the time of Archbishop Duhig.
Sorry.

The high-ranking church elder who scarpered with the money set aside to build Cathedral Place in Brisbane
Sorry.

Hitler
Okay, sure he was RC to the day he finally bunkered down and died and we're sorry for that. We apologise unconditionally for the monster who presided over his High Mass.

The Crusades
A bit over the top. Sure.

The Spanish conquistadors of 16th Century Mexico and Peru.
Nice outfits but once again, perhaps a bit heavy-handed.

Archbishop George Pell of Melbourne.
We are so very, very, fucking sorry.

Contraception
If anyone has gotten pregnant or caught a really nasty disease because of the church's total ban on contraception, sorry. But how on earth is the church going to be able to do its much-needed pastoral work in all those overcrowded, Catholic-worshipping dirt-poor third world countries if we allowed those little black and yellow bastards to slip on a ribbed rooster-spur condom whenever the need arises or let their sheilas pop a little red pill whenever they felt like it. Of course we're sorry for the AIDs scourge and all those messy backyard abortions using knitting needles, but for God's sake, spare a thought to Catholics in well off places like Australia. All those little old ladies in their purple hairdos get enormous pleasure dressing up every Sunday and heading down to their local church on the hill to hear all about the church's good pastoral works in those third-world ghettos. Do you want to deprive them of that pleasure? Of course not. No one would. And where would Mother Theresa be today if we allowed contraception? Still dead, sure, but an absolute nobody! We feel very, very sorry, for anyone who would have wanted that to happen.

Inter-denominational marriages
Sorry for making everyone else raise their kids as Catholic if they marry a Catholic. But as I said earlier, religion, like politics, is a numbers game. And you're not in the game if you ain't got the numbers. Right?

Crackdown on the Third Right.
We make no apology whatsover for the church's efforts to prevent the rise of neo-nazism, and will continue to do so unless it really looks like taking hold this time round.

The future
Many of you are probably aware that there isn't much time left on this mortal coil for this frail, old infallible Pope. But rest assured that when my turn for a spin in the PopeMobile finally goes up in a puff of white smoke to announce a new, improved Papa Habemus, I've more or less ensured that my successor will be even more right-wing and dogmatic then I could possibly have ever been. Unbelievable but true, I know. This means that nothing will really change in the way the Catholic Church does things and virtually ensures a similar apology to this one by whomever is in this chair wearing the funny costume, pointy hat and wielding the big stick come the year 4000.
Sorry about that.