THE BUG: Well, Mr Premier, your first three-year term is almost up.
What do you think will be the key election issues when you eventually decide
to go to the polls?
GOSS: The election was late last year.
THE BUG: Yeah? Fair dinkum? Well, congratulations on being returned anyway.
Shit, that’s stuffed up one line of questioning. It must have been
a very short and lacklustre election?
GOSS: I wouldn’t say that. The people were given ample opportunity
on which to make an astute decision on whether they wanted a continuance
of good, strong, stable government or....
THE BUG: Okay, okay. Point taken. You’ve won, already! Which leads
to our next question: have you ever paid for it?
GOSS: Tried to buy votes?
THE BUG: No. It! Les Grandes Honizontales. Fragrante delicto. Coitus
Non Interruptus.
GOSS: The Opera? Of course I always pay my own way when Roisin and I attend
the opera.
THE BUG: No. It. Sinking the Sausage! Giving the ferret a canter
through the furry hoop.
GOSS: Video games? I don’t have time for arcade games.
THE BUG: It! Horizontal folkdancing? Taking the purple headed turbo-charged
monster for a spin along the magic road? Passing The Turtle Head through
the Jade Gates. The Yin and the Yang. Putting a Hole in the Welcome Mat.
Jumping through Shepherd’s Bush on a Pogo Stick.
GOSS: Sorry, l’m not with you...
THE BUG: Nookie! Have you ever paid for a nookie? A root!
GOSS: Oh. You mean a naughty? Have I ever paid for a naughty?
THE BUG: Jesus Christ. Yes!
GOSS: Certainly not! Look, unless you want to talk about the serious issues
facing Queenslanders such as high unemployment and the ramifications of
the Mabo decision, I can see no merit in continuing this interview.
THE BUG: Spearing the bearded clam and all that. Opinion polls suggest a
majority of Queenslanders are in favour of legalised prostitution and yet
you’ve cracked down on the profession and forced the working girls
into dangerous and unhealthy situations. Is it because of long-held and
firmly entrenched moral and religious grounds that you oppose legalised
prostitution?
GOSS: Not really. Peter Beattie supported it.
THE BUG: Fair enough. But there’s still a heap of knock shops around
the traps. I grabbed a special for only $60 over at Buranda at the weekend
and it bloody well nearly knocked my socks off. That sheila certainly knew
how to turn a trick or two.
GOSS: Please! What’s your point?
THE BUG: Aren’t you concerned that with your current policy of trying
to crack down on the world’s oldest profession, you’ll only end
up with the same protection rackets, no health checks and a police force
just as corrupt as in the Bjelke-Petersen era?
GOSS: Yes, I am. But Peter Beattie supported
THE BUG: Another burning issue. Daylight saving.
GOSS: Sure.
THE BUG: You held a referendum on the issue knowing full well the No case
would succeed. Yet you publicly stated you were in flavour of the extra
hour of sunlight. What made you change your mind?
GOSS: Three reasons really. I do most of my jogging in the late afternoon
and I don’t know whether you’ve noticed it or not but I’ve
got really fair skin.
THE BUG: Especially well past your forehead there.
GOSS: That’s right. With daylight saving, I’d be running at a
time when UV rays were at their most lethal.
THE BUG: And the other reasons?
GOSS: Well, secondly, Swanie told me to.
THE BUG: That would be that astute political mind Wayne Swann?
GOSS: Yes.
THE BUG: And the third?
GOSS: Peter Beattie supported it.
THE BUG: Let’s talk about you personally. The latest polls suggest
the Goss gloss is on the wane. Are you worried about that?
GOSS: No. Not at all. The polls show I’m still well ahead of Borbidge
and I’ve got a clear lead still over Beattie.
THE BUG: I don’t recall seeing any figures on Beattie.
GOSS: It’s private polling I have done intermittently.
THE BUG: Speaking of Beattie, is he in the second Goss ministry?
GOSS: Not this time, no.
THE BUG: Why not? As a very talented and hard working politician, surely
he’s wasted on the backbench?
GOSS: Who told you that?
THE BUG: Beattie.
GOSS: Look, Peter is a very capable performer whose time will come. In fact,
the Government is very lucky indeed to have a man of his qualities on the
backbench. But the reality is that Peter will have to bide his time just
like everyone else. We already have a very talented team in the ministry
who all Queenslanders can count on to work hard and spend public monies
diligently and responsibly.
THE BUG: So Mackenroth missed out too, eh?
GOSS: I didn’t say that.
THE BUG: Surely you’ve paid for it once? We’re really struggling
for a good front page this week.
GOSS: I’m afraid I’m going to have to terminate this interview
now. It’s quite obvious you have no interest in addressing the key
issues that confront my government in its historic second term.
THE BUG: Mr Premier, thank you very much. Was the election really held last
year? You're not pulling one of our feelers, are you? Are you sure you've
never paid for it? Just the once, eh?