Dear Dr Dick,
My wife and I enjoy nothing more than a quick nude skydive on a Sunny sunday
arvo. My problem is that as I free-fall to earth at 280 miles per hour,
air enters the eye of my toger at high speed causing it to artifically inflate.
Sounds great, I hear you say, but no. Over the next two days, the stored
air frequently and rapidly exits my penal eye, sounding rather like a cross
between a wet follow through and a fanny fart. Very embarrassing when standing
at the urinal, chairing a board meeting or posing nude for my art club.
My wife calls it premature ejairulation. The other unlikely problem of our
hobby is that with my wife being naked and hurtling to earth, all that air
rushing past her vagina at high speed (by the way it sounds like a loose
tarpaulin in a cyclone) creates a vacuum that sucks the silicon right out
of her breasts. They stay that way for days ... a real turn off and hard
to get bras to fit. Our sex life is suffering, please help.
Regards
Puff the Magic Dragon
ps: please don't suggest wearing clothes or stopping our hobby.
Doctor Dick replies:
After a series of letters in recent times that clearly were not genuine
requests for professional help, it's indeed refleshing to field a real,
heartfelt plea for sexual guidance. Why some people fake orgasims and Doctor
Dick letters to the extent that sexual dysfunctionals such as yourselves
with potentially life-threatening problems can't get through is beyond this
experienced sexologist's thinking. But enough of that, back to your problem.
The solution is simple. Instead of free-falling individually, all future
weekend nude skydiving should be done in tandem with your good wife strapped
to your front. Being naked, it will then be exceptionally easy to engage
in (vaginal) sex throughout the free-fall stage of your descent, thereby
preventing the wind from entering either of the aforementioned orifices.
One word of warning: always remember to pull out of both your wife and the
free-fall in time to open both your chutes and land safely.
Dear Dr Dick,
When you consider what a national and treasured icon it's been for so many
decades now, why is a vegemite jar still designed so you can't get a knife
point to the last little bit of vegemite that remains up under the rim?
Frustrated
Nambour.
Doctor Dick replies:
There is nothing to be ashamed about at all in not being able to
find the G spot in women.
Dear Dr Dick,
I'm about to be engaged to this absolutely wonderful woman and I'm pretty
sure she's going to prove to be my life partner, such is my love for her.
My trouble is that I still occasionally sleep with another girl who was
my former live-in lover for many years. Am I doing wrong?
Bob Each Way
Woollowin, Brisbane
Doctor Dick replies:
We live in uncertain times and you can't underestimate the value
of gap insurance.
Dear Dr. Dick,
Whenever I look at the shoe of a girl, mine is erected hard. I feel like
I would immediately fall at her shoe and start licking her boots like her
puppy. Besides, I love to be punished by my female teachers; specially when
I am being punished or humilated I get erection. Can you please help me
why I am getting sexy stimulus from these things, what's wrong ? Is it normal
? I am 16 only.
W.
June 5, 1999
Doctor Dick replies:
I must admit your e-mail bring a whole new meaning to the term, shoe
horn. And only 16, eh? Talk about hush puppy love! Okay, okay, enough with
the bad jokes already. You're 16, for Christ's sake. Of course you're going
to get an erection when you see a girl's shoe. Or her text books. Her school
locker. The oval she ran on just the other day. The suburb next to the one
where she lives. It's a shoe fetish, okay, so enjoy! Stop putting the boot
into yourself; stop feeling like a heel. And so you love to be punished
and humiliated? Who doesn't!
Dear Dr Dick,
I recently went out with a really nice guy, whom I quite liked, but when
we went to bed I discovered he had the smallest penis I have ever seen.
He didn’t say anything about this and as you can imagine I was quite
shocked. Is there anything he may be able to do about this? I think it was
about 3 inches long and about 1 inch thick; he must be so embarrassed, but
he hasn’t done anything about it, maybe you have a suggestion. Also
would he be capable of fathering a child? Any advice would be welcome.
Thanks, Louise
June 5, 1999
Doctor Dick replies:
First things first. You seem quite upset that this poor prick (sorry)
wasn't aware of his shortcomings. I'm surprised that while on the workbench
together you didn't blurt out something appropriately humiliating like:
"Who do you think you're going to please with T.H.A.T?". Would
that have made you feel better? Both of you sharing in the embarrassment
of the moment? So three inches is no big deal, but then who gives a fuck?
Are you saying he can't? When will you womenfolk get it into your pretty
little heads that men have only one sex organ where size matters - and that's
their wallet. And it's only my professionalism that prevents me from treating
your "is he capable of fathering a child" query with the absolute
contempt it deserves. Of course, the man is as capable as the most endowed
of studs of having children; they're just going to be runts, that's all.
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor Dick
can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley. Q. 4006,
or drop him an e-mail.
