SAGITTARIUS
You reach that stage in life where the only stiff thing you wake up with in the mornings is your arthritic knee.

PETER BEATTIE
Your plans for a sticky-tape parade through the streets of Brisbane for our World Cup cricket heroes come unstuck.

POLIO
Slow down, you move too fast. Now that you've got the time, stop and smell the roses.

CANCER
A lazy son-of-a-bitch who spends weeks on end just lying listlessly in bed, you start to wonder if you might have prostrate cancer.

ALLAN LANGER
You lie awake in bed at night wondering how it is that the Broncos have been winning consistently since your forced retirement.

GEMINI
Did not! Did too! Did not! Did too!

ZEUS
You will notice everybody prostrating themselves as you draw near. Feelings of stern immortality coursing through your muscled frame quite possible. Best days: Sun, Mon, Tues, Wed, Thu, Fri, Sat.

SARAH
Doctor Carl is a prick! Marry whatsisname. Trust me.

LEO
There's a Zebra herd nearby so start with some warm ups. You know what happened last time you chased cold.

DARYL
Those feelings of low self-worth are completely unjustified; perhaps it's still a good opportunity, however, to catch up with Ossie.

RAY
Paternal feelings for your country strengthening mid-week. Blokes love you, women trust you.

VIRGO
Your decision to take in the concert by the sensational US touring group, Diarrhoea, turns ugly when they decide to do an impromptu set unplugged.

SHANE WARNE
You wake up in a cold sweat over that $100,000 bet you've taken with George that you'll quit international cricket before the next Australian summer and decide to lay off.

ARIES
Your long-standing creditors don't believe you when you tell them the cheques are in the e-mail.

ALLAN DONALD
Your life on the run resumes when an eagle-eyed reporter from the Cape Town Courier blows the whistle on your cover as a tribal elder on Bamaga Mission in far-north Queensland.

HERSCHELLE GIBBS
You are diagnosed with dropsy. The doctor lets you down as best he can in explaining that your condition has not been responsible in any way for the fact that your countrymen despise you, your mother calls repeatedly to tell you you're adopted, milk spoils in your presence and small children cringe and void themselves next to you on the bus.