Speaking after the Melbourne and Sydney tickertape parade for Australia’s victorious World Cup cricketers, Reverend Puritanile said people should not be allowed to display such emotion in public.
He said it could cause people to want to have sex or miss his daily television show.
“These tickertape parades are a sign that we are heading down the path of perdition towards the permissive society,” said Rev Puritanile.
“It reminds me of those carnivals that sick people have in those countries where they’re dancing around all of the time.
“I mean, if you’re dancing and carrying on all the time, you can’t go to church can you?
“There’s been research done by some bloke in Mauritania or Massachusetts or Mackay or something like that which conclusively proves, beyond any shadow of a doubt, that attending a tickertape parade can lead to things such as people having sex.”
Rev Puritanile said instead of being given a tickertape parade, the cricketers should just be given “a quiet pat on the back when they come over for a cup of tea”.
Rev Puritanile said he had also been shocked at the antics of the World Cup cricketers on the field.
“All of this touching each on the posterior and kissing each other on the field is disgusting.
“When I was a lad and played cricket, we saved that for the showers after the game.”
But Prime Minister John Howard said tickertape parades would continue as long as he were Prime Minister.
“People need to have some fun in their lives, I think, and the tickertape parade is one way of allowing that,” Mr Howard told The Bug.
“We won’t have any parades for silly sports like hockey, or hakky-sak or whatever you call it, though.”
Mr Howard acknowledged that tickertape parades helped people forget he was a pretty boring bastard.
Meanwhile, our Canberra staff report that Mr Howard has struggled to control his emotions while hosting a Parliament House reception for our cricket legends.
Mr Howard broke down repeatedly as he paid tribute to Steve Waugh's world beaters, saying their exploits in the semi-final against South Africa and then the final against Pakistan had given him almost as much pleasure as Mark Taylor's superb 334 not out in Peshawar, Pakistan, last year.
Weeping openly and speaking haltingly, Mr Howard said it was his fervent hope that when he finally retired from federal politics, Mark Taylor (pictured right) would replace him in his blue-ribbon Liberal Sydney seat of Bennelong.
"Mark Taylor has shown that grit and determination make up for natural talent every single time and I admire him enoromously for that," said Mr Howard, flanked by aides to prevent him from collapsing completely.
Mr Howard said he also hoped that after his retirement, the seat of Bennelong could be renamed Howard-Taylor in their honour.
And last night, on the eve of the Prime Minister's televised speech to the nation over the implementation of the GST, Liberal Party strategists were pleading with Mr Howard to remove a section from his speech where he talks candidly of his love for Taylor.
