ALLAH
You take full credit for Iran's last-gasp draw against the Socceroos.

CANCER
Expect a favourable response to your request for an upgrading in your responsibilities at work. Your private life also appears heading for an upturn, with a casual dinner date later this week portending something a little more intimate. Keep next weekend free for an unexpected but delicious surprise when a long-lost friend drops in with some exciting news.

AQUARIUS
You are as surprised as the rest of us as to how the normal star sign above found its way into this column.

SCORPIO
You are still having trouble believing your luck after the mount you drew in the office Melbourne Cup sweep came first for the fifth consecutive year - in the following race!

GEMINI
You're a clapped-out, rusty old Holden so get real and make your owner take a nought off that $1500 sales price he's scribbled in whitewash on your back window.

LEO
You lay awake at night wondering why Brisbane's Courier-Mail never investigates the activities of right-wing dead Australians.

VIRGO

Your first attempt at strangulation masturbation goes tragically wrong when you forget to lock the door and your mother walks in on you.

SAGITTARIUS
A month later, you are still very, very embarrassed for being the only person in Australia who prayed to your own particular god that Darren Beadman's Melbourne Cup mount, Alfa, would fall at the first turn, killing him instantly.

JOHN HOWARD
Your RAAF jet is hijacked by militants who threaten to kill all passengers on board if their demands are not met. You instinctively know the right thing to do, quickly negotiating a just and equitable deal where only half the passengers on board are killed and only half the terrorists' demands are met.

CAPRICORN

Sorry. It looks like just more of the same 'ol, same 'ol.

TIM FISCHER

Your worst fears are confirmed when you wake up to find close to a thousand Dutchmen have camped on your freehold grain property in northern NSW, claiming ownership on the basis that their forebears found Australia long before yours did.

MOTHER

You can't believe your eyes when you walk into your son's room without knocking and find him hanging, bluefaced, from the ceiling fan by a belt, with the vacuum cleaner you were looking for hanging from his genitals.