Dear Dr Dick,
One is a divorced man in one’s 40s with two teenage sons and one’s
ex-wife died recently in rather tragic circumstances. One’s divorce
last year was a rather bitter one, unfortunately, with recriminations on
both sides, not just one’s.
While in one’s youth one sowed one’s wild oats, one is now very
much in love with one woman (picture enclosed).
In such circumstances, what sort of time should one allow to elapse before
one resumes a full and active social life?
PC,
London
Dr Dick replies:
By “full and active social life” I take it you mean having
sex.
I was about to suggest you hop straight into it with any old wheezing, horse-faced,
chain-smoking old slapper you can lay your hands on.
But by the looks of the photo you sent, you already have.
Dear Dr Dick,
I am a television newsreader seeking advice on a particularly personal problem
of mine.
People think I am dyeing my hair. Even my wife has accused me of it. The
fact is my hair in recent years has turned prematurely black.
It used to have these sort of greyish streaks through it, but one day I
woke up and it had turned jet black overnight. Honest.
Is this a common medical condition? I need to know so I can tell the people
at work who are making fun of me behind my back.
Good Evening,
Mt Coot-tha
Dr Dick replies:
You are correct. You are suffering from a well-known medical condition
which is given the technical term, raymartinitis.
This condition was discovered by researchers at the Bert Newton Laboratories
in Melbourne a few years ago.
You can inform your thoughtless workmates and wife that the condition has
been found to be directly related to stress.I n your case, I believe it
is the result of having to spend years driving a luxury car to work, working
for up to three hours a day, five days a week and having to read up to 18
sentences off an autocue and getting paid a shitload of money for it.
My advice is to cut down your workload. Perhaps you could get your co-anchor
to read one or two of your sentences.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I was really interested in your recent comments about whether parents should have their new-born children circumcised. My partner (yes, I'm from Sydney) and I are due to have our first boy in several weeks, so we'd value your expert opinion as to whether we should have him done.
To snip or not to snip,
Penshurst.
Dr Dick replies:
Lengthy studies by the medical profession have shown uncircumcised men have a much greater chance of premature ejaculation than men who have been circumcised, presumably because their penis head is more sensitive. There are no known negative aspects of not opting for the procedure.
Dear Doctor Dick,
My wife and I were travelling interstate the other day and she barged into the motel bathroom as I was relaxing in the spa. She demanded to know why I was in such a convoluted position with my anus pressed up hard against one of the spa jets. I told her the warm water was good for my haemorrhoids. I think I got away with it, although she didn't think much of my explanations as to why I had clothes pegs attached to my nipples, a pair of size 10 Elle McPherson apricot sports panties over my head and my erect penis in an upturned McDonalds strawberry thickshake. Any suggestions?
Humiliated,
Thomas Street,
Kangaroo Point, Brisbane.
Dr Dick replies:
What a pathetic spacimen you are! When I travel, I always stay at the Best Western chain of motels. You'll find their AquaPulse brand of spa has jets that can be directed with great sensitivity, making the additional props you've been sprung with virtually unnecessary.
