Dear Doctor Dick,
For many years now, I have been madly, deeply, truly in love with
a beautiful specimen of a woman who lives half-way around the
world. We see each other whenever we can - in fact, our rendeavouz
have become more frequent in recent years. While we have never
consumated our obvious love for each other, I know she admires
me greatly because she always dresses up to the nines whenever
we get together and responds to all my jokes with amusing little
bon mots like "quite". There's never been a cross word
between us and I think we have so much in common. Unfortunately,
because we met late in life, we are still married to other people,
of whom we are both quite fond in our own ways. But it is true
to say that those relationships don't hold a candle to the way
I feel for "the woman from around the world" as does
she from her "little chap down under". Do you think
there's every a chance we will be together as man and woman? I'm
at my wits end because I did also make a promise to love, honour
and obey my current wife. Please help!
Unrequitted Love
Inner Sydney
Doctor Dick replies: Dear Prime Minister of Australia, my heart - and I'm sure the hearts of all my fellow Australians yet to fully realise the effects of your wretched 10 percent Goods and Services Tax - go out to you in such circumstances. I must admit that your missive came as a bit of a surprise, however, as I had recently spotted media reports had had you well and truly ensconsed in the royal box at Wimbledon, so I naturally assumed things were fine between you and your beloved Queen Elizabeth the Second, Queen of England and Australia. Your dilemma has two strands as I see it - the obvious personal one as two human beings who share a powerful, almost uncontrollable physical spark, but also a political one as both share high public office. As an astute political operator without peer, you would appreciate enormous adverse political repercussions could flow from any overt consumation of your relationship. For the Queen's part, there would be the inevitable charges of sexual harassment in the workplace, for she is, after all, your employer. Not to mention the damaging charges of deplorable bad taste. She would naturally also have to weigh up the possibility of having to hand over the throne to her gittish son, Charles once the scandal broke- unthinkable to any thinking person - against the obvious allure of having vaginal sex for the first time in almost 50 years with the one man she really loves. For your part, you will have to decide whether you've got the political skills to weather the charges of adultery and the obvious leadership moves in the party room that will surely follow. On the personal level, you will have to decide whether your vows to your wife were core or non-core promises. In summary then, and I'm not sure you're going to like this advice, it might be necessary for both of you to wait until your public lives are over to finally be together. This will be a crying shame, though, as I've heard it said that Queen Elizabeth gives exceptionally good head of state.
Dr. Dick,
I am not circumcised. I get a growth under the skin on the head
of the penis that I have heard people refer to as cheese. What
is this and how can I prevent it.
Charles
June 26
Doctor Dick replies: Foreskin cheese - or to use its medical term, yum cha - is nothing to be ashamed about. So commonplace is it that squeakly clean American ballader Pat Boone even recorded a song about it, Mumma's little baby loves foreskin, foreskin, Mamma's little baby loves foreskin cheese, which made the top 10 after the release of his 50s film of the same name. It was marketed in Australia and Europe as State Fair. You will be doing absolutely nothing to prevent foreskin cheese when I tell you that its chemical components are not only exceptionally nutritious and low fat, but also contain the same compounds at the heart of most well-known brands of ladies face and hand moisturisers. Inform your sexual partners of these facts and they will lap up more foresking cheese than you can produce in a month of Sundays.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I get too excited and tend to orgasm too quickly!! Any suggestions?
Darrel.
June 23
Doctor Dick replies: Too quickly for what?
Dear Dr Dick,
Could you please tell me if a circumcised penis is preferable
to an uncircumcised one?
Thank you,
Mike
June 20
Doctor Dick replies: Not really. It's all
a matter of personal taste.
Dear Doctor Dick
How do you perform the Arabian penis enlargement technique?
SD
June 21
Doctor Dick replies: Stand behind a camel.
Dear Dr Dick,
I had an intercourse two days ago and I didn’t use the condom
for just a second then I wore the condom. She also gave me oral
sex. Today I discovered that I have small red spots on my dick.
I just noticed this because I have a slightly tight foreskin I
don’t pull my head much. What are these red spots? I am getting
very worried.
Can you reply back by e-mail please.
Thanks in advance
K.K.C
May 17
Dr Dick replies: Sorry, I cannot reply personally
by e-mail to all my patients. In any event, all the fun would
disappear if I couldn’t share your problems and my solutions
with the world. Now, to the problem at hand.
You say you received oral sex. In that case I would guess –
albeit in an informed and fully qualified manner – that there
are two possible answers to your query.
First, you may simply have traces of one of the popular brands
of long-last lipstick decorating your penis.
Many a time as a young man I ended up with Helena Rubenstein on
my penis, and on occasions, even Max Factor.
Try washing your penis more vigorously. That in itself should
at least take your mind off the problem for a little while.
The second possibility is your female friend may have the ability
to suck start a Jumbo jet. In which case her vigorous vacuuming
may have broken a few of the smaller blood vessels under your
skin.
If in a few days you are still seeing spots before, around or
near your eye, consult your own family doctor – or a completely
different one in a far away neighbourhood if it makes it easier.
Dear Dr Dick,
My name is Cory. I am 15 and my penis is a little small. I was
wondering if you know any methods of making it bigger without
pumps, surgery or books.
Shorty
June 29
Dear Doctor Dick,
Can you e-mail me the penis enlargement techniques - the easy
to do ones without pumps weights or surgery. I would be most grateful.
Brian
July 10
Dr Dick replies: Dear Cory (a.k.a. Shorty)
and Brian,
This is a question I am asked many times. In fact quite a few
times in every column.
Neither of you say how big (or small) your penis is, so it is
a little difficult to answer your questions with any precision.
However, you are right in shunning surgery and pumps.
They generally either do not work or add very little extra length
to a penis. So I am told by my surgical colleagues.
The only book I would even think of recommending is Volume 24
of the Encyclopedia Britannica. A colleague of mine in my medical
school days told me he added three inches to the length of his
penis by tying that particular volume to it and letting it hang
between his legs for four entire weekends.
Unfortunately what he gained in extra length he lost in muscle
tone and has been impotent ever since.
So you may have to weigh up in your own mind whether you are happy
with what you’ve got, or if you want something bigger and
flashier – but entirely useless.
Dear Dr Dick,
I am 15 years old and my dick is about six-and-a-half inches long
erect but under and inch when it’s not. Is this normal?
J.D.
July 5
Dr Dick replies: You have unwittingly encroached
on a very exciting area of sexual research being explored by a
friend and colleague of mine, Emeritus Professor Joseph D. Begley,
of the Wright Institute based here in Brisbane, Australia.
For many years Professor Begley has been expounding his theory
known as the C.O.E., or co-efficient of expansion.
Put simply, if a man’s penis measures six inches when erect
and three inches when flaccid, then the applicable co-efficient
of expansion is equal to two.
If a penis is six inches erect but four inches when flaccid, the
C.O.E. is 1.5.
So, look on the bright side J.D. - you have a C.O.E. of at least
6.5.
Dear Doctor Dick,
I have a serious problem with my body. I have a very small nipples,
and that is unusual for my age. I am male, 19 years old and I
want to know if there is any treatment or anything which I can
do to enlarge my nipples and make them at the normal size. Please
do your best to help me. Thanks.
MM
July 11
Dr Dick replies: Men’s nipples –
like women’s – come in all shapes and sizes.
I’m sure you have seen – either in the flesh, in magazines
or on the internet – women with huge distended nipples that
look like the end of a huge Cuban cigar stubbed out on an unironed
doily.
Yet others have mere hints of nipples – like those little
bumps on the end of a well-blown balloon.
So, there really is no such thing as “normal” size for
nipples.
But, if you are still concerned, I can only recommend that you
buy some nipple make-up, manufactured and marketed by any of the
leading women’s cosmetics companies, and paint larger ones
on yourself.
Dear Doctor Dick,
Para conseguir en un futuro próximo que disminuyan las
negligencias y errores médico-sanitarios y mejorar la Sanidad
puede aportar sus experiencias o conocimientos a
El Buscador
July 9
Dr Dick replies: Thank you for your recipe for Spanish Fly. I did have the recipe once but, unfortunately, lost it many years ago. Gracias!
Got a sex problem that needs fixing? Doctor
Dick can help.
Address your questions to Dr Dick, P.O. Box 696, Fortitude Valley.
Q. 4006, or drop him an e-mail.
