The Bug: Let’s deal firstly with the ugly face of racism.
Howard: It's absolutely terrible. You can't go to a Melbourne or Sydney meeting nowadays without bumping into that pompous arse prancing and preening about and watching one of his horses going round.
The Bug: No. Not Andrew Peacock at the races. Racism.
Howard: Right! The Coalition opposes gambling to excess, sure, as most decent, fair-minded people would, but because racing is part and parcel of the Australian psyche and the one sport that the John Howard battlers really enjoy...
The Bug: No. racism. As in relations between black and white people.
Howard: Oh, that reconciliation business. It'll take generations.
The Bug: How many?
Howard: Not in my lifetime, I’m not to say sorry .... I mean .. I'm sorry to say. I regret to say, I should say. Deeply regret. Sure. Why not? Deeply regret. That's fine.
The Bug: Prime Minister, do you like black people?
Howard: Before I answer that question, I've noticed you're using just the word Howard for my responses. Would you mind using The Right Honourable The Prime Minister? I'm used to that courtesy from the government's backbenchers in the corridors of the federal Parliament.
The Bug: No problems.
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: I'm sorry, now I've forgotten the question...
The Bug: Do you like black people.
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister John Howard: Of course I do. Look, the grease monkey at father’s service station was a childhood hero. Talked to him all the time even though mummy said I wasn't allowed to. Now, I suspect he had a fair bit of the tar brush to him although he might have just been very, very greasy.
The Bug: Was that your only contact with potentially indigeneous people when you were younger?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: No siree Bug. Aborigines were coming in for petrol service all the time at the bowsers.. Always served ’em, you know ... sixpence a sniff .. so I say "how dare you!" to people who call me a racist. Besides when I was a little boy, I had a gollywog so how can I be racist? I loved that gollywog ... never thought I could ever forgive Mummy for throwing it out at the garage sale. Thank God, I’ve still got my Menzies Teddy Bear, Queenie Doll and Roy of the Rovers comics. You know, when I first met Peacock I thought he was a darkie. Turns out he was addicted to Tan-in-a-Tube. Typical.
The Bug: Don’t you think it’s time to say sorry for past injustices though?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: I forgave mummy years ago over that gollywog business.
The Bug: For past injustices to Australia's original inhabitants.
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Look, there’s profound regret ... but if we have to say sorry to one group of Australians we'd be saying sorry to hundreds of others... the universitites, the consumers paying GST, unionists, dairy farmers, caravan dwellers, people on low incomes, the dole bludge ... the tragically unemployed, the big end of town that didn’t get their R & D allowances, the pissheads who used to get fringe benefits tax, the mums and dads ....it'd be a very sorry business altogether.
The Bug and The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: It'd be a very sorry business (with apologies to Flying High).
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: No, ... we’re all in this together. I wish people would just get on with it ... black, white, brindle, just unchain your heart is what I say to all Australians ...
The Bug: PM, do you think Australians are inherently racist?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: That's the Right Honourable The Prime Minister and I'd certainly hope not. But we do like beating those All Blacks, don't we?
The Bug: But they're Kiwis?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Kiwi. Nugget. It's all the same when you rub it in. I want to make this clear once and for all ... Aborigines are equal in this society ... they will just have to pay GST on their turps just like everyone else.
The Bug: That's a bit rough, isn't it?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Rot gut, apparently.
The Bug: Can't you see Aborigines are disadvantaged in society?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: I certainly can see that .... and stop calling me a cunt. Sure, the blackfellas have their problems, but no more than voters in Labor seats. Let’s get serious. I know there have been problems in the past at pubs and such but not at the cricket. Play tests one day if they ever get good enough and don't chuck but that's in their blood I think. Ever seen an Abo bowl a boomerang? Of course not. Aborigines can go wherever they like ... cross the bridge, fight in the war, hold protests. They've just got to realise who really cares about them and that's the Liberal Party. We had Neville Bonner long before anyone else did.
The Bug: But you disendorsed him?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Politics, dear boy. He just didn't have the numbers. I mean if you can’t get the numbers what hope have you got in a caring, compassionate, capital competitive Australia?
The Bug: Do you regret not walking across the Sydney Harbour Bridge?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Come on, the St George match was on the tele. I'm from out that way you know. I'm a battler at heart, just like Johnny Howard's battlers.
The Bug: Some people say John Howard, the actor who plays Bob Jelly on Sea Change, has more of an affinity with average Australians that you'l lever have.
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: C what?
The Bug: Sea Change. It's a popular ABC program.
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Don’t watch the ABC. Beazley's bum buddies, to a pinko man and woman. But Bob Jelly’s a good man though ... I understand he may be a candidate for us next election. Gets things done. Pro-development.
The Bug: Is Australia more relaxed under your leadership?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Just ask Peter Costello – he tells me he couldn’t be happier with my decision-making.
The Bug: What do you say about favouritism for your brother Stan’s company which got government-funded redundancies?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Exactly my point. He would have been given exactly the same support even if he had been as black as the ace of spades.
The Bug: He was actually more in the red than black.
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Exactly my point. Every black leader I know calls me brother and asks me for favours ..... all I’m doing is treating Stan the same. It wouldn’t be Australian to knock him black ... I mean back.
The Bug: Are there any other Aboriginal political or business leaders you admire apart from your brother if he'd been black?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Heaps. Look at George Speight.
The Bug: He’s, umm, Fijian.
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Well, he was from Brisbane till Beattie got in. Had to bolt OS to make a living.
The Bug: Anyone else?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Kamahl.
The Bug: Ummm ... he’s originally Malay ...
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Yeah right, so we've got to stop buying his records? See, this is why I’m sick of this black-arm band view of recording history. Someone's got a bit more Nugget bootpolish on their faces and suddenly everyone goes native.
The Bug: As in native title?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Exactly. It's not needed because we’ve all equal here. Everyone has got a title. I’m PM – or to my Cabinet colleagues, Sir. Mr Packer’s God. Rupert's the even bigger God, the Queen's My Beloved Majesty and when I meet Aborigines, I always say G-day, mate, or if they’re blackarsed ... not wearing clothes, take me to your chief ...
The Bug: Just a few personal questions to finish with. Some people say you’re old fashioned.
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Rubbish. I got new spats for when I went to London to see Sweety ... I mean the Queen, I always listen to J O’K’s new 45s, and Janette wants me to swap my boxers for these new-fangled jockey shorts ...
The Bug: A word on The Republic?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: Haven’t seen that one either - don’t watch the ABC which is why Alston’s closing it down.
The Bug: Final question, Mr Howard ... sorry .. The Right Honourable The Prime Minister ... do you think it’s unfair people calling you Little Johnny?
The Right Honourable The Prime Minister: All media rubbish. At the big end of town, they’re always clapping me on the back - saying, well done, big fella! Can't argue with that.
The Bug: I guess not, and stop calling me a cunt.