VIRGO
Your dreams of securing untold riches simply by changing your name by deed poll fall apart when you read the contents of a stern letter from Bill Gates’s lawyers, suitably addressed: “Dear Mic Rosoft”.

GEMINI
You lie awake at night wondering why middle-class yuppies who supposedly have a social conscience still buy brand name joggers even though they know they are made by people in the Third World who are being paid a weekly wage equal to the price of a shoelace.

SAGGITARIUS
Your efforts to turn your workplace’s “casual Friday” into “naked Friday” win little support from co-workers, except that strange guy in accounts who always looks at you just a little too long when you walk past.

COSGROVE
Even you start wondering why you are being feted, when all you actually did was the job you’ve trained and been paid for all your working life.

AQUARIUS
You cannot believe your luck when walking down a dark laneway late at night carrying a cricket bat, you meet the guy who thought it was entertaining to have someone take five minutes to answer one question on Who Wants to be a Millionaire?.

LIBRA
You scrap plans to enter several cows in the grand parade at this year’s Brisbane RNA Show when you realise the chances of being seen and caught are quite high.

TAURUS
In your efforts to understand racial and ethnic intolerance and stereotyping, you contemplate why most people in the world dislike the French, when it is obvious that South Africans are clearly the bigger arseholes.

LEO
You are always amazed at how pleasant bank staff are as they explain electronic and other high tech banking methods that will make them redundant sooner than later.

SORBENT DESIGNER
You invent the world's first 12 ply toilet paper, only to discover that people still tear off twice as much and fold it over just to be on the safe side.

SYDNEY TAXI DRIVER
You lose most of your driving ability when an electrical fault renders your horn useless.