AR|IARS

You enjoy

BRENDAN ABBOTT

Disguised as a jenny and living a carefree existence in a north Queensland mangrove mudhole, your cover is blown when an unscrupulous crabber hooks you illegally and consigns you with a batch of other female and undersized crabs to a Vietnamese restaurant just south of Sydney.

SCORPIO

You sign up with Jenny Craig, only to be told it will be at least 12 months and many hundreds of dollars in food before they'll have you looking like Shane Warne.

TAURUS

Angered by your mother's taunts that you never follow through on anything, you storm off to the laundry and return triumphantly with the week's supply of soiled underpants.

PISCES

You return that wonderful Christmas present from your spouse to Myer to exchange it for a larger size and immediately get arrested for shoplifting the item in the first place.

FIREWORK

You explode at 12.01 on New Year's Day, momentarily brightening the drab and dreary lives of the thousands of people watching below.

SAGGITARIUS

You decide to seek psychiatric help after reading a B. A. Santamaria newspaper column and actually agreeing with some of the things he says.

LEO

Never lose sight of the mane game.

CANCER

After many months of trying, your fiancee finally falls pregnant. A devoutly religious person, you take some comfort from the fact that at least one of you was prepared to wait until marriage before having sex.

GEMINI

Your New Year's wish to be a little more daring comes true when, on an impulse, you decide to have your morning Fruit Loops, Coco Pops and Sugar Frosties all in the same bowl.