Queensland quick Michael Kasprowicz followed cricket writer Don Gordon-Brown's advice (last column) and told Australian skipper Mark Taylor he was going to move to New South Wales to enhance his Test prospects. Tubs responded immediately by not only ensuring that Kasprowicz was in the Boxing Day Test, but giving him a go at the tailenders for the first time ever. As a result, Kasper took almost as many wickets as McGrath and Reiffel combined.

Kasprowicz missed out in Sydney but his days of carrying the drinks for Australia will soon be a thing of the past as Don Gordon-Brown concludes his two-part make-over of the giant Bulls spearhead.

 


Kspookywicz from the southern end

 

Put yourself in Mark Taylor's shoes for a minute if you wouldn't mind.

You're standing just behind and to the right of that other one-day discard, Ian Healy, okay? The Boxing Day Test is going nowhere fast and your gums are aching from all that chewing with your mouth as wide open as possible.

It's hot, that cushion you keep down the back of your whites is itching to billy-0, and you're contemplating having another run in the covers to remind the one-day selectors of just how versatile a fielder you are.

Kallis is playing the one and only innings of his life and you need a wicket fast. Warnie's going okay but even from slip you can hear him a-wheezin' and a-puffin' as he waddles into bowl. He needs a break. From Big Macs, you think silently.

Whom to toss the ball to. Reiffel? He'd give it his best shot. McGrath? We certainly need a Mac attack and we need it fast. How about that Queensland fellow, Kastro...Kaspor...Castorbitch...aw, fuck it. "Hey Paul, limber up again will ya?"

You can come out of Mark Taylor mode now. Wouldn't want to stay in there long, would you?

But I think you've got my point. Would you toss the ball to a bloke with a surname that sounds like a Polish analgesic? Of course not. And that's the aim of this article: to give Michael Kasprowicz a moniker that puts the fear of God not only into opposing batsmen but his own captain as well.

Apart from being virtually unpronounceable, Kasprowicz provides a shockingly inappropriate nickname.

Imagine once more, and this one will be brief, that you're Hansie Cronje. That's not a joke by the way; that's his real name.

You're Hansie Cronje, you've hardly scored a run all tour and you're sweating in out in the middle of the MCG wondering how to get the ball off the square, let alone for a run.

You look up at change of ends to find that Tubby Taylor in one of his rare moments has thrown the ball to Kasprowicz. "Hey, mate! Yeah, youse. Have a few from this end until Reiffel gets his breath back, okay."

So Hansie thinks to himself: "Hmmm, it's Kasper - the friendly ghost."

Now what sort of an image is that for a fast bowler? Hopeless! Would it have been better if he had been born Michael Kspookywicz? Marginally.

No. the name's got to go. If Kasprowicz is not the brand of a Polish headache pill, it must surely have been one of the Nazis' lesser known death camps.

Death camp? See, now there's the germ of an idea there to show you where we're coming from here. Michael Holocaust. Better still: Mike Holocaust.

Richie Benaud: "Welcome back to the MCG where the news is that Taylor badly needs a breakthrough so he's thrown the ball yet again to The Final Solution."

Beats Kasper both ends up. A bit out of touch with the young crowds at today's venues? Maybe.

He comes from Queensland, right? So how about Michael Cyclone. "Did you see him put the wind up those Yarpies at Adelaide Oval today?"

Michael Savage then? Mike Champion? C'mon, Bug readers, C'mon. Send in your suggestions NOW so we can ensure a spot in the Adelaide Oval starting eleven for Michael Kasto..kaspp...castro...

That's it! A simple, part name change which keeps both his Polish heritage and his mum happy: Michael Castratorwicz.

"Hey, Tubby! Bring on the Castrator!"