Leo
Your outlook on life is suddenly a damn sight better after the ABC finally writes back expressing keen interest in the new six-part television series you and a workmate had floated to the national broadcaster months earlier called A Vagina Somewhere.

Capricorn
Your virtual reality fuck with Monica Lewinsky turns sour when you wake up the next morning to find you've unleashed 24 cruise missiles on Afghanistan.

Gemini
You seek urgent medical and psychiatric help after experiencing a wet dream involving John Howard.

Pauline Hanson
So that's what a woman who's had eighteen million children looks like!

Cancer
Six months, max! Two if you don't stop smoking right away.

Virgo

For

Saggitarius

God's

Scorpio

sake,

Pisces

get

Aquarius

a

Aries

life!