"I was at home just slipping into my costume for a Rocky Horror Show theme party I was due to attend in Hindley Street when the call came through from US Defence Secretary Donald Rumsfeld," Mr Downer said.
"You could have knocked me down with a feather boa when he told me I'd be representing Hicks, especially when Mr Rumsfeld said the US Embassy in Canberra had been scouring Australia for weeks trying to find someone to help guarantee the right result.
"I guess it was because both Hicks and I come from Adeliade.
"Still, I told Mr Rumsfeld I'd never practised as a lawyer, never done any trial work and had never been inside a courtroom.
"In addition, I'd have thought my recent outburst about the government having proof that Hicks was trained by al-Qaeda might have counted against me.
"But Mr Rumsfeld said not to worry about any of that.
"He said having 'one of you goddam crazy Ossies defending another goddam crazy Ossie would not only play great in the media but prove the whole goddam shebang was above board and as fair as fair can be'.
"I've also talked to my family and Mummsie thinks I'd be as good at it as I was as Liberal Party leader, which is encouraging.
"Besides, if Hicks gets what he deserves, it'd certainly show my late father that I wasn't the soft-centred prat, nancy boy, upper-class twit and comprehensive nincompoop he always said I was."
Mr Downer said Mr Rumsfeld had been "very helpful" during their phone conversation.
"He went over every last detail and told me the timing and location of the trial, the likely duration, the verdict and the costs involved.
"It's a great honour to defend a fellow Australian to the best of my ability.
"But I also accept it's not going to be an easy task, what with Hicks being a murderous al-Qaeda operative.
"My goodnness me, I still think the Bali bombing's got his evil handprint all over it.
"But, nevertheless, I'll give it my best shot before the firing party does."
When told that US authorities had already told Australia they would not be seeking the death penalty for Hicks, Mr Downer bravely hid his disappointment.
"Anyway, I always believed death was too good for Mr Hicks," Mr Downer said.
The Foreign Minister also paid tribute to the US government for "looking after Hicks for almost two years, feeding and housing him without even charging him with a crime".
"How much fairer can you get than that?" he said.
Mr Downer, who plans to leave for the US next week, said he was relieved he would not have to meet with Hicks.
"The US authorities have assured me that won't be necessary.
"I'm glad in a way because it would have given me the heebee-jeebies to have been forced to be in the same room as someone who has sullied forever Australia's reputation for fair play, decency and standing up for the underdog.
"Besides, Mr Rumsfeld has promised the show trial will be done very professionally," he said.
"America isn't Hicksville you know."
