LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
You don't know what's caused your latest unpleasant and painful discharge, but then remember that just a few days ago you had a moll removed from your face.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
After being found guilty and going to jail, you realise you should have hired a more experienced legal team, but then again, your barista did make great coffee.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
As expected, the Magistrate hearing the "peeping tom" charges against you rejects your defence of having suffered "Big Brother-withdrawal syndrome".

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
As a vegetarian you once again look forward to happily tucking into a pie when visiting the Ekka.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
You spend several embarrassing days in hospital after accepting your partner's offer to give you an 18-carrot ring.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
You're still rueing your absent-minded decision in bending over to tie your shoelaces just as judging of the grand champion Great Dane dog at the Ekka got under way.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
You walk under the Ekka chairlift by accident and wish you'd brought your umbrella.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
You read that Network 10 is to commission another series of The Secret Life of Us after they discovered that some of the characters hadn't slept with each other.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
As soon as you get out of hospital you'll sue the Dagwood Dog vendor at the Ekka who assured you it was quite normal for the batter to be yellow, the dog inside green, and the stick furry.

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
Your recent star signs have been so unfavourable that you change your birth date by deed poll.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
You are visited by the police and officials from the Families Department after placing an advertisement calling for children to take part in a new reality TV show called Little Brother.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
You refuse to believe other diseases who claim former Senator Mal Colston is ruining your tough-guy image.