Dear Doctor Dick,
My husband is exceptionally handsome and considered by many to be
very, very sexy. Of European extraction, he has beautiful olive skin, dark
brooding good looks under a full head of black hair, and the lean, mean
torso of an Adonis. The Greek Greyhound, some of the girls in the office
call him.
Because I am the envy of all my girlfriends, I feel very ashamed to be seeking
your help. While I'm very much in love with him after eight years of marriage,
our union is close to breakdown because of a crazy preconceived notion I
hold as to what a perfect man should look like.
My problem is this: I like fair-skinned, overweight men with red hair. Always
have.
If I see a man like that in the street or the local pub, I can't take my
eyes of them. And the fantasies. But that's another story.
Who on earth would have predicted that I would fall in love with a man who
is almost the exact antithesis of my dreams? But I could live with that
if that was all there was to it.
The problem is that in recent times, I have been unable to make love with
my husband unless he makes an effort to look like the man I guess I've always
wanted him to be.
On those increasingly rare days we set aside for lovemaking, I make him
come to bed wearing a padded T shirt to make him look a bit chunky.
Even then, I can only get in the mood when he wears this bright red wig
I bought for him at a novelty store the other week.
And as foreplay, I sprinkle talc powder all over his exposed arms and face
to make him look light skinned. Then I use my cosmetic kit to paint little
freckles all over his face and arms.
Only then can we make love the way we used to.
You can understand that my husband is becoming increasingly annoyed by my
eleborate scene-setting and it looks like our marriage might be over.
But that's the least of my problems.
What I need to know, doctor, and it's making me sick with worry, is this:
do you think there's any chance at all that I could be secretly in love
with Paul "Fatty" Vautin?
At the end of my tether,
Potts Point, Sydney
Dr Dick replies:
Let's answer your second question first. There's no doubt in my mind
that Fatty Vautin would have been stripped of his job as coach if the Maroons
had not won the third State of Origin encounter after five straight losses.
Even then, one has to question the value of the win considering the Blues
had already wrapped up the series for the second year running and had nothing
to play for. It was akin to that recent rugby Test where the All Blacks
led Australia 423-0 at halftime and didn't bother returning to the paddock
for the second stanza, almost letting the Wallabies in for an upset victory.
Dear Doctor Dick,
My wife of 25 years has had so many facelifts that our local GP says there's
now a risk she could get pregnant having oral sex. Could this possibly be
true?
Worried, Darra, Qld
Dr Dick replies:
I was going to say that this is probably the silliest question I've ever
been asked in all the years I've conducted this column, but that was before
I checked out the photo you sent me.
It's quite common for older women to develop facial hair, but your wife
really should have something done to remove that funny looking moustache.
Dear Doctor Dick,
My wife and I are coming under enormous pressure from both sets of parents
to have our new-born circumcised. What do you think?
Getting Under Our Skin,
Balaclava, Melbourne
Dr Dick replies:
Under no circumstances would I recommend circumcision for your Emma-Kate.
Dear Dr Dick,
My girlfriend has broken off our relationship and thrown me out of the house
simply because I have been sleeping with other women.
She regards this as blatant dishonesty and a breach of trust.
I, on the other hand, prefer to think that the other women involved were
in the public domain and I simply indulged in some post-modern borrowings
of them.
Which one of us is correct?
Harry,
Browns Plains
Dr Dick replies:
Adultery – like plagiarism – is fine until you get caught.
Then you have to start making up some very, very original stories, otherwise
you’re well and truly rooted.
You should go to your local bookshop or library and read more on this subject
in a number of books I claim to have written.
