Dear God,
I've been having trouble sleeping the last few weeks so I really got to know the answer to this question: did he really molest those children?

Said Morgan, Sydney

God replies: I'm going to let you stew just a little longer on that one.

Dear God,
Are you now, or have you ever been, a high-ranking police officer in north Queensland who may or may not be involved in the illicit drug trade to a higher level than is normally expected of serving police enforcement officers?

Mr Bill Carter QC
Inquiry into Police Corruption in Queensland

God replies: I have been advised by my solicitors not to respond to your line of questioning.
What I can say is that I have no independent recollection of the matters referred to in your question.

Dear God,
Boy, am I pissed off with you!
I really appreciated those winning Lotto numbers you gave me in your column in a recent issue of The Bug, especially seeing I've been a bit down on me luck in recent times.
They turned out to be spot on, but that's not my beef.
It seems a lot of other people who read the column got on too, so the first division ended up only paying $2.45.
I had it over 32 times myself, so it paid for a few cartons of fags, which I suppose wasn't too bad, but still a fair bit below what I'd hoped for.
So what I'm asking is this: is there any way you can give me, say, all the winning horses in the nation's metropolitan race meetings this coming Saturday, without letting other people know about them too?
In anticipation.

Hard Up, Caloundra

God replies: No can do. All my children are equal in my eyes. But if you want the winners anyway here they are, with the race number first and the horse number in brackets.
Brisbane: 1 (7) 2 (14) 3 (2) 4 (17) 5 (6) 6 (10) 7(1) 8 (1)
Sydney: 1 (13) 2 (14) 3 (4) 4 (12) 5 (1) 6(1) 7 (7) 8 (10)
Melbourne: 1 (12) 2 (2) 3 (16) 4 (12) 5 (8) 6 (3) 7 (12) 8 (12)
By the way, total prize money if you put $20 each way on the first race in each state and then double up throughout the meet is $23,125,234,442.04 (Qld TAB dividends).
That's if no one else backs them, of course. Happy punting.

Dear God,
I know you're supposed to be a benevolent and fair almighty, and I know you've always got a pretty good argument for why you let those millions die in third world famines and Indian floods from time to time, but surely you can't have any valid reason for turning those two poor princes into orphans by taking that beautiful, caring woman, the Princess of Wales, from us at such a young age when she still had so much to offer. What have you got to say for yourself?

Confused churchgoer,
Wilston

God replies: She wasn't Catholic!

Dear Dad,
I know you've always been there for me, so what I'm about to say might come as a bit of a shock.
And, before I start, I want you to know how much I appreciated it when you got me out of that hole in the Middle East, even though it did take you the best part of four days. I suppose it was over a long weekend so I shouldn't complain.
But, shit, Dad, basically, I'm sick and tired of always being in your shadow.
If I had a buck for every time someone's said to me: "You're not bad, but you're not a patch on your old man", I'd be a millionaire saviour.
I'd be at a friend's place doing some party tricks with loaves and fishes, and no sooner would I think to myself: "Hey, that didn't go over all that badly" when someone would yell: "Yeah, but can you part the Red Sea?"
Heck, even in my job as a carpenter, my work was always being compared with yours.
I guess this is just a plea from the heart, but it wouldn't hurt you, would it, just once in a while, to show some infallibility to my friends at the casino, to make me look a little better in their eyes as well as thine?

Jesus Christ,
Nevada

God replies: Forgive me, son, for I knew not what I did to you.
Until I read your E mail, I hadn't the foggiest idea that your life had proved one helluva cross to bear.
Boom! Boom! Tisccchhh!
Only kidding, son.
I know it's been hard on you. In the shadow and all that. But, Christ almighty, I only ever did all those things to set a standard for you to follow.
And you've made your mum and I very proud, even though you don't seem to be having much luck getting that gambling addiction of yours under control.
Still, Nevada, hey? Phewweeee. I've put some stunning babes into that place over the years.
Big buxom blondes and big money has always been a potent mix for people to sink into the sort of moral abyss that makes our work on Earth so challenging and yet so rewarding.
Speaking of blondes, I see from the monitor that there's still no one in your life.
Boy, son, I had some droughts in my time but yours is a doosey. Hold on a sec. Pete here has just had a good thought: have you considered a hooker?
They can be really nice and understanding, and you know, son, to this day, your mum still reckons I was the best root she never had.
Boom! Boom! Tisccchhh!
Seriously though. Take my wife, everyone else did!
Boom! Boom! Tisccchhh!
Enough of the jokes, already, but I've got a trillion of them: all originals and in over 1200 languages!
No but seriously, as your mum's just pointed out, don't be a stranger.
Drop in and say hello every now and then. Bring someone if you want.
If you're short of the taxi fare, ride number 24 black on the third roulette table from the main bar in Flash Jacks for exactly four spins from 2.15pm next Saturday.
Call me back, though, if you'd really prefer this to be the first time I've ever been wrong.