AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
You wonder if Kim Beazley really should replace Mark Latham as federal Labor Party leader because by the look of him he too is suffering pancakeitis.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
And you can't help but get the impression that ALP frontbencher Kevin Rudd's biggest handicap is the fact the people he's relying on for support actually know him.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
After all the anonymous, abusive, late-night phone calls, you decide to change your name from Sue Narmy.

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
Your wife is still not talking to you despite your assurances that you were only doing it for a friend after she caught you emailing Doctor Dick seeking advice on vaginal tucks.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
For a while you thought you had a real bargain, having bought an investment property at a diseased estate auction.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
You weathered being washed out to sea and back again by the tsunami but are left barely alive from the beating you received after relating to bystanders how you spent several nights clinging to a buoy.

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
You're pretty convinced about US generosity after hearing that America spent $2.4 billion on disaster aid around the world last year, until you realise they're spending twice that each month on the war in Iraq.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
You wonder if all those highly paid newsreaders are really so vital to a TV news service, when none of them were recalled from holidays after the tsunami disaster.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
You wonder why the media still talks about Mamdouh Habib as a suspected terrorist and not "cleared Australian" after the US couldn't come up with a single thing to charge him with.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
Then again, you guess it's just another example of Australians' current attitude of a fair go, as amply demonstrated by that vox-pop in The Courier-Mail where very average people in the street thought it quite reasonable for Habib to be flown home in shackles.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
Then again, you already knew the world's a fucked place when Channel 9 even had to think about new anchors for its Today show to match ratings with those brekkie morons over at Channel 7.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
You get injured at a music store fighting for a copy of that excellent CD: "The Radio National segments: How The Bug waved goodbye to a radio career".