DAWN OF A NEW EAR

UNPRECEDENTED action by the Office of National Assessments has improved national security, restored Prime Minister Howard's reputation for honesty, and redeemed the intelligence agency's own reputation.
In a world exclusive, The Bug can reveal that ONA recently arranged for Mr Howard to undergo a secret operation during which a high-tech "bionic ear" was implanted into Australia's profoundly deaf leader.
The cochlear implant - an Australian invention used throughout the world - means Mr Howard can now clearly hear advice that previously didn't reach him because of his vain refusal to acknowledge his hearing problem and the fact the batteries of his existing hearing aid were flat.

Ear, ear says 'oward
Aussie invention gives peace a chance

Australia's chances of becoming embroiled in a potentially deadly US-led stoush with North Korea have lessened thanks to a little Australian invention - the cochlear ear implant.
One of the high-tech devices was implanted last week in the right ear of Prime Minister John Howard.
A senior government source said in the short term the implant would result in a reappraisal of Australia's role in the looming nuclear confrontation with North Korea.The implant could also be the key to success for the Howard government at the next election.
The source said it meant the profoundly deaf Mr Howard could now hear clearly all of the really important advice that senior staff and bureaucrats had been trying to tell him since the Coalition won government in March 1996.
The information Mr Howard had been unable to hear for more than seven years included:
o Australia could be a bombing target if it followed the US into an unprovoked confrontation with North Korea,
o children were not thrown overboard from a boat carrying asylum seekers during the 2001 election campaign,
o there were strong doubts in the US about claims Iraq had tried to source uranium from Africa,
o Iraq didn't possess weapons of mass destruction,
o Liberal Party federal president Shane Stone thought the government was "mean and tricky", and
o the batteries in his conventional hearing aid had run out and should be replaced.
A team of surgeons implanted the tiny device, or bionic ear, into the cochlear of Mr Howard's right ear during a top-secret operation, and the device was switched on in the PM's office last Friday morning.
Mr Howard reportedly clapped his hands with excitement as he was suddenly reintroduced to the world of sound, especially when staffers told him of the two out-of-season Test cricket matches in Darwin and Cairns, and that he had tickets.
In the past few days Mr Howard has also been amazed to hear:
o A1 Drycleaning Services at Tuggeranong would donate the PM's spare suit to charity if he didn't pick it up soon;
o wife Janette was still waiting for the nation's leader to drop into the Manuka supermarket on the way home for an extra half-kilo of top-grade mince, and
o that slightly overweight, pasty-faced lawyer hanging around the house lately had asked to marry his daughter and he'd agreed.

Tears over PM's delight at ceremony

Some of the hard men of Australian politics were reduced to tears at the switching-on ceremony for Prime Minister John Howard's new cochlear implant.
"I had tears in my eyes when I saw the PM's reaction," a hard-bitten ASIO spook told The Bug.
"Mr Howard was in his Parliament House office playing with his George W Bush Commando toy set when the team from the University of Melbourne's Department of Otolaryngology switched on the microphone.
"His eyes flashed wide and the broadest of grins erupted right across his face.
"If anyone who was there says they weren't moved, they're telling porkies," said the ASIO agent, who asked not to be named or he would have to shoot us and not tell the PM.
Among the Cabinet ministers present was Treasurer Peter Costello. Although he remained dry-eyed for most of the time, others in the room said the Treasurer broke down and sobbed uncontrollably when the implant was activated and Mr Howard said he felt good enough to continue as PM for even longer than planned.
Also present was Foreign Minister Alexander Downer, who said the PM's improved hearing capacity would mean big changes in the government.
"Mr Howard can be a stubborn little fellow and quite vain, and I've told him that many, many times," Mr Downer said. "But not any more."

Costello ... sobbed

LEADING ROLE FOR ONA

The Prime Minister's cochlear implant was the brainchild of the Office of National Assessment (ONA), which had been trying desperately to get Mr Howard to tone down his rhetoric about North Korea, and his support for a US-led blockade of that country's ships - action that the Asian power has warned could lead to nuclear war.
"We were trying to tell the PM that a CIA briefing paper on North Korea was fake, but the news would just go in one ear," said an ONA offical. "That paper was prepared by a Grade Five student at a school just outside Dallas, Texas, for his role in a PlayStation Global War 4 game against classmates.
"It somehow got into top-secret CIA briefing papers by mistake, as often happens. The kid's now being held at Camp X-Ray at Guantanamo Bay where he belongs, but that doesn't resolve the fact that his paper put the North Korean army at only 100,000 troops - 10 times below its actual strength.
"The PM was astounded when he heard the news because he knows US intelligence is usually spot on.
"He just looked at us and said: 'Welcoming home parades could be a disaster for me if a war went more than a few weeks and any of our troops got hurt!'," the ONA official said.

Ground-breaking technology

John Howard's cochlear implant is a world first.
Normal versions of the device pick up sounds through an external microphone and transmit them via an electrode that stimulates auditory nerve fibres.
But Mr Howard's model stops certain sounds travelling from his brain to other parts of his body. The designers believe it will overcome two lingering problems in Mr Howard's public life: wetting himself at the sound of George W Bush's voice and an involuntary erection whenever he makes a call to the Queen.
It was also revealed that Mr Howard was releuctant to have the device implanted. He only agreed after ASIO wrote him a note saying the implant would enable him to listen in on all US Secret Service transmissions and give a direct one-way link to President George W Bush.