CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
You watched Channel 9's National IQ Test with interest last year, saw a bit of this year's National Driving Test, but you're really hanging out to see Eddie McGuire host the upcoming National Pap Smear Test.

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
You go to your local beauty salon to have a Brazilian wax treatment only to be told by the operator that you really need a South American.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
While at your local salon, you daren't ask what all the cushions in the waiting area are stuffed with.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
Watching a number of Australian TV dramas, you wonder if the recent actors' strike didn't start a lot sooner than was officially announced.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
You can't understand people who complain about not getting council approval to demolish their old Queenslanders to build apartments when all they really need is a box of matches.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
You score a leading role in what you thought was to be a remake of a 1970s American TV sitcom, but decide to break your contract when you meet your co-star in The Love Goat.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
You're not quite sure how to raise the subject of your girlfriend's sagging breasts, but eventually decide to casually mention that the last time she had a mammagram she suffered a broken toe.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
You're still waiting for any of Rupert Murdoch's newspapers to tell you what happened to that boat they swore was sailing the high seas carrying Saddam Hussein's weapons of mass destruction, but which apparently dropped off radar screens once the war was over.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
When you read about US-led plans to locate North Korean ships carrying WMDs, you wonder if perhaps they might look for Saddam's boat while they're at it.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
While walking down a deserted laneway in the early hours of the morning carrying a cricket bat, you can't believe your luck when you run into the guy who does the really loud voiceovers at the end of movies on TV when you want to listen to the theme music.

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
You start a club for collectors of spam emails but can't find anyone to swap a free university diploma for a penis enlargement.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
As a feminist you're extremely proud that Germaine Greer can talk about how great young boys are because "their semen flows like tap water" and get away with it, while any man who said similar things about young girls would be strung up by his balls within a matter of minutes.