GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
You start to develop an environmentally safe toilet paper, but stop after realising it's going to end up being smeared with crap anyway.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
While initially pleased when your boyfriend says you remind him of someone from a recent hit film, your mood changes after he remembers the movie's name - My Big Fat Greek Arse.

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
You wonder if your GP really is "gay friendly" when he tells you he can't help you, and suggests you talk to Telstra about your ring tone.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
Your plans to become rich by inventing a new sex toy disappear when you're forced to refund money to everyone who bought your failed solar-powered vibrators.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
You begin to suspect your spouse is cheating on you when he blurts out that you're an ugly, overweight cow and he's leaving you for his long-term mistress.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
You spend $200 for a reading with a fortune teller who suggests you will face financial problems for the rest of the week.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
After reading of Dick Smith's backdown in his court battle over the use of brandnames, you have second thoughts about the string of boutique brothels you had planned to launch nationwide, Roots 'R' Us.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
Walking down a darkened alleyway armed only with a 3lb cricket bat, you can't believe your luck when you bump into the TV executive who commissioned the third series of Big Brother.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
You wonder which of these star signs the Queen reads, given that she has so many birthdays.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
As an accountant, you are really looking forward to going wild at all those new financial year's eve parties in just a few weeks' time.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
You are delighted to hear in the media that jailed stockbroker Rene Rivkin has drawn a cellmate who really likes them butt ugly and chubby.

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
You're shocked to read media reports of leaked emails that showed two overpaid, underworked prima donnas in the shallow, ego-driven world of television newsreading didn't quite get on.