Getting a grip on cyber reality

I've got some good news, and some even better news. First the good news. Canoe Reeves is not in the Matrix trequel, due out in November.
My spies on the industry's dark inner-side swear this to be true.
Now for the even better news.
Canoe Reeves isn't in the current follow-up Matrix Reloaded, either. Same impeccable source. Same degree of accuracy. Sort of.
Well, in the sense that Canoe isn't in the current flick far more than he's in it. Let me explain
He's in it when there's no action sequences. And he's not in it when there are.
Now, because action sequences are only used in Matrix Reloaded when the plot bogs down, that's about 95% of the movie. So you can see that Canoe is not in the Matrix more than he is in it.
Let me explain. My impeccable source tells me that long before the Matrix 2 shoot began, Canoe was asked to stand on a revolving platform while someone with a fancy digital camera took shots from every possible angle, mind, of every facial expression he could muster.
That's right, about 15 shots in all. Not a bad day's work, really, considering he got a reported $15 million for doing the sequel. That's a million a still from the trusty digital.
So when we see Canoe beating up all those Mr Smiths - or anyone else for that matter, it's actually someone else's body, someone who's good at martial arts. In the laboratory, Canoe's face was simply put over the top of our sweaty martial arts chap.
Think this is untrue? Consider a thousand Mr Smiths and think again.
Now my impeccable source says the reason Canoe is not in the trequel due out in November is because all this digital trickery in the current flick meant he couldn't display his extraordinary acting skills to the fullest of his ability.
Right, now who picked up the wee joke in the previous paragraph? You did? Great, so let's continue.
So Canoe's got his nose out of joint - and rightly so - as long as it's his nose and not someone else's, jus 'cos it looks better, right?
Are you as disturbed by these revelations as your humble reviewer?
You should be, for as you read this, some of the world's greatest current actors are probably standing on a revolving platform, shooting the entirety of their next Hollywood blockbuster.
Harrison Ford, Kevin Costner, Russell Crowe.
Right, now who picked up the wee jokes in the previous paragraph? You did? Great, so let's continue.
It is a worry,. isn't it?
Click. Click.
"That's great, Harrison, but could you possibly give us some other expression without the goofy look?"
Click click.
"Kevin, that's really good, again, but how about a face that doesn't look totally apocalyptal."
Click click.
"That's great Russ. Now how about a few shots without the stubbie?"
But in all this doom, there might be hope.
Let's trust that right at this very moment, Paul Newman is on the revolving platform.
Flash forward to the Oscars, 2022.
And the winner for best Oscar goes to .... Paul Newman ... (pause for applause) for Colder Hand Luke.
Voiceover: "And to accept the award is his great-grandson, Trevor.
Trevor: "I wish gramp was here with us today to accept this award. I know he always regarded this project as the finest acting he never did."

Don Gordon-Brown