Some famous pipe smokers from history

Through the ages, some of civilisation’s most boring men have smoked pipes. Here are just a few of them

Harold Wilson
The former British prime minister was well known for his long and tedious discourses on the minutiae of public administration that often lasted longer than the governments he led.

Malcolm Fraser
The Prime Minister of Australia from 1975 to 1983 is best known for dampening everyone’s enthusiasm by declaring “life wasn’t meant to be easy” and then proceeding to implement policies proving his point.

Sherlock Holmes
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s fictional literary super-sleuth bored every reader senseless with his know-all approach and his condescending attitude to his loyal offsider, Dr Watson.

Len Keogh
Historians are divided over the contribution to public life of the Labor Party federal MP who held the seat of Bowman for many years, but former colleagues contacted this week couldn’t recall him at all.

Ben Chifley
The Australian Labor Party prime minister who took over from the late John Curtin in the later stages of World War II was a train driver in his earlier life. Enough said.

Be on your guard

You could have a pipe-smoker living next door and be totally oblivious to the danger, police warn.
They say pipe-smokers are very clever at disguising their vile habit, and the usual tell-tale signs – pipe tobacco ash on a grey or cream cardigan full of holes, discoloured teeth and dark-brown right thumb – are not always present.
Police say that if you are confronted by a pipe-smoker:
• Do not make eye contact.
• Do not engage in conversation.
• Move away as quickly as possible.
• Alert friends and other neighbours of the danger.
• Report the incident to police.

SMOKE SIGNALS

Pipesmokers are unwittingly sending out smoke signals that deep-down are a pathetic cry for help, according to The Bug’s resident sexologist Doctor Dick.
“The phallic nature of a pipe is easily understood, but it’s the constant stoking of it that hides a pipe-smoker’s core dilemma – sexual dysfunction brought about by having an exceptionally small penis.”