SPIN SHITTY!

Fancy yourself as a political spin doctor?

Try answering the 10 questions below and see how you go as a government spin doctor. Remember that in the cut and thrust of modern politics, you'll be expected to come up with snappy, quick-fire solutions to what can sometimes appear insurmountable problems.
Remember, also, that the quicker you settle on an answer is not often the fastest, but also the only sensible way to go.
So don't dwell over these questions: read them quickly, use your gut feelings and tick away like there's no tomorrow. You're only minutes away from tallying your score to see whether you've got what it takes to be a spin winner!

1: A large section of roofing collapses during the Broncos-Newcastle game to christen the new Lang Park. As media adviser for Queensland Sports Minister Terry Mackenroth, you suggest he call an immediate media conference to:

(a) Reassure league fans that the rubble and bodies will be cleared quickly and there's no reason why the State of Origin One can't go ahead as planned.
(b) Express deep regret over the loss of life but add that luckily the roof had come down on a section of the crowd who were largely Knights supporters.
(c) Sheet all blame on ministerial colleague and former friend, Public Works Minister Robert Schwarten for building the faulty roof in the first place.

2: As chief adviser to Prime Minister John Howard, you receive an interim report from respected aid agencies in Iraq who have put the death toll of innocent Iraqi civilians from the invasion of the Coalition of the Willing at 14,500. You:

(a) Tell him nothing because you have a finely tuned sense of what the PM does and does not want to be told on key issues.
(b) Urge him to call an immediate press conference to disclose that another boatload of refugees has been spotted off the north-west coast of Australia but will never land here because of his government's firm but fair stand on border protection.
(c) Tell him it's too hot a political potato, and force Foreign Minister Alexander Downer - or better still, Peter Costello - to carry the can on the issue.

3: As principal adviser to Foreign Affairs Minister Downer who is about to attend a press conference to deal with reports of 14,500 innocent civilians being killed in the war on Iraq, you advise him:

(a) That it's too hot a political potato, and he should force Defence Minister Robert Hill to carry the can on the issue - or better still, former Defence Minister Peter Reith.
(b) To go ahead with the press conference but make the valid point that as most of those killed were babies and young girls, they would probably have all been dead by now anyway, having had their heads bitten off by Saddam or raped to death by his son Uday, not necessarily in that order.
(c) To use the occasion to disclose that another boatload of refugees has been spotted off the north-west coast of Australia but will never land here because of the Howard Government's firm but fair stand on border protection.

4: After a Qantas jet blows up over the Indian Ocean killing 357 Australians and Al-Queda claims responsibility, your immediate advice to Transport Minister and Deputy Prime Minister John Anderson is to call a press conference to declare:

(a) The mass murders clearly had nothing to do with Australia's involvement in the Coalition of the Willing because both the jet and the plastic explosives used were made well before the war in Iraq.
(b) The mass murders clearly had nothing to do with Australia's involvement in the Coalition of the Willing because early intelligence suggested the terrorists had obviously mistaken their victims for Austrians.
(c) Proudly declare that the Al-Queda claim means the safety record of Australia's international carrier remains intact and Australians could continue to fly overseas with confidence.

5: Research by a respected polling organisation shows that your boss, NSW Premier Bob Carr, is regarded by the general public as being a dour, humourless individual. You gather the state's leading scribes to:

(a) Put the record straight that Carr is often the life of the party and in fact had everyone guffawing and their eyes streaming with tears - at a function in Bondi back in 1982 while doing his impression of US Civil War general and 18th President of the United States, Ulysses S Grant.
(b) Make the point that Opposition Leader John Brogden is equally as dour and humourless, so it's hardly a damaging situation politically for the Premier
(c) Invite them out to get on the piss.

6: As a senior adviser to Defence Minister Robert Hill, you are shocked to read a top-secret memo from the nation's military brass that admits that no SAS troops were ever deployed in Iraq, because their equipment was unsuitable for desert conditions. You immediately:

(a) Tell him nothing because you have a finely tuned sense of what your minister does and does not want to be told on key issues.
(b) Urge him to call an immediate press conference to declare that a special bravery medal will be struck for the nation's brave SAS soldiers for their pivotal role in the victory in Iraq.
(c) Urge him to ring former minister Peter Reith to see if he'd be prepared to take the rap just one last time.

7: A government backbencher foolishly comes out in defence of Medicare and criticises the government's move to scrap bulk-billing. As Health Minister Kay Paterson's key adviser you:

(a) Immediately instigate proceedings at a grass-roots branch level to have the backbencher disendorsed for the next poll.
(b) Wait a week before instigating proceedings at a grass-roots branch level to have the backbencher disendorsed for the next poll.
(c) Wait several months before instigating proceedings at a grass-roots branch level to have the backbencher disendorsed for the next poll.

8: Foreign Affairs Minister Alexander Downer appears in metropolitan newspapers around the country dressed in fishnet stockings outside a notorious gay bar in Adelaide's Hindley Street. As his adviser, you immediately pump out a release to all media explaining:

(a) The fun-loving Minister was on his way to a costume party dressed as Frankenfurter from The Rocky Horror Picture Show, and his car had suffered a flat tyre outside the bar in question.
b) The Minister was at home with his wife and children at the time and both he and the media have been the innocent victims of an elaborate but sick hoax played by his political enemies.
(c) The Minister is as camp as a row of tents and no longer cares who knows it.

9: Prime Minister Howard declares he wants to lead the government to the next election. You advise your boss Treasurer Peter Costello to go on the public record, saying:

(a) The PM should lead the party into the election and will no doubt secure a handsome victory.
(b) He has accepted an offer to lead the Labor Party because it's his only chance left of getting the top job.
(c) Howard's statement breaches the agreement the two of them reached at a meeting at Kirribilli House a few years back.

10. After telling a blue joke at a public function, your redneck Minister, Wilson Tuckey, is accused of being homophobic. Your advice to him is:

(a) Go on the Alan Jones program to show he's not.
(b) Go on the Alan Jones program to show he's not.