LIBRA
Even you are impressed at how popular you have become with the office staff. That is until the boss tells you to stop giving blow-jobs in the carpark at lunchtime.

CANCER
You can't believe your luck when, walking one night down a darkened lane carrying a baseball bat, you have a chance meeting with the halfwit who first thought of the technique where one-day cricketers all point towards where the ball's been hit to.

AQUARIUS
You scour the city's entertainment spots looking desperately for anyone who's as sick to death of the David Helffgott story as you are.

SCORPIO
You are horrified when you return to your shopping centre carpark to find your week-old $75,000 eight seater Toyota Landcrusier Deluxe Turbo Autosuck LXE stolen, but not nearly as horrified as when you rush home and go through the fine print of your old-for-new insurance policy.

GEMINI
After returning to the loungeroom after throwing up as a result of watching that insipid, mousy, 50s relic, pathetic ultra conservative excuse for a PM, John Howard, doing an interview, you sit quietly for a few moments and reflect on how terrible it must have been for all those right wing people who were forced to stomach first Hawke and then Keating for those13 long, long years.

OTHER GEMINI
For a change you decide to take off your shirt and put on another one.

VIRGO
Your surprise at winning a trip around the world turns to fear, when you learn you receive the prize at Options nightclub.

TAURUS
Tired of being an under-achiever and never reaching your full potential, you decide to commit suicide by swallowing a bottle of M&Ms.

SAGITTARIUS
You really should have read the instructions on that home circumcision/vasectomy set first.

DEMIDENKO
You dream of being an evil overlord only to discover someone else has previously had the same dream.

CAPRICORN
After years of watching John Laws in the Valvoline advertisement, you still don't know what he means when he says: "Know what I mean?"

MALAPROP
After two years on the dole, you are excited about your new job in the Manchester department of David Jones. What a shame, then, when you try to sell your first customer a shitted feet set.