Howard: Ah.... there you are, old chap! Sorry I'm late.
The Bug: You're early, actually. I phoned your office this morning
and asked for the interview to be put back to 1pm. Didn't you get the message?
Howard: Gee willikers, no I didn't.
The Bug: Oh. Your staff keep a lot of things from you, don't they?
Howard: Not that I'm aware of. No.
The Bug: The last few weeks have not been kind for you and the government.
Three ministers and two personal aides sacked. Can your stocks possibly
plummet any further?
Howard: Look, apropos and mon repos of those sackings, they have
occurred purely because of the high standards of probity and decency that
I personally, that is moi, have demanded....
The Bug: I don't mean to interrupt but our paper's readers aren't
all that highbrow. Would you mind not using solicitor speak for the rest
of this interview?
Howard: No probs.
The Bug: A little less spittle would be nice too.
Howard: Sure. Here's a hankie.
The Bug: Ta. So, can your stocks slink any lower?
Howard: Shit, I hope not. By the way, do you mind if we move tables
and grab that one near the check-out?
The Bug. If you want.
The Bug: Comfy? Good. Now where were we? Do you think there are any
more ministers who have cheated on their expenses?
Howard: In respect of those...
The Bug: Now, now ... you promised...
Howard: Sorry. Yeah, I'm pretty sure I can give a cast-iron assurance
that's the end of it.
The Bug: Much better than a rort- iron assurance, eh?
Howard: I don't get it.
The Bug: We sorta figured you wouldn't. All the ministers that have
resigned since you...
Howard: Excuse me for a second. Pardon me, sir. Would you be paying
you bill by cash by any chance?
Passing male patron: Well, ah ... yes I am, actually.
Howard: Good. If you've got no objections, do you mind if I grab
your money and I'll put your bill on my credit card in a short while? I'm
just a bit strapped for cash at the moment, you see.
Patron: Ahh. I'm not sure...
Howard: You can keep a fiver off the amount.
Patron: Well, why not, thanks.
The Bug: What was all that about?
Howard: If I put his $105 bill on my Diner's Club card, I'll get
157 frequent flier points with Ansett Australia. And seeing I don't have
to pay the Diner's Club bill for another six weeks, the short-term interest
on his money will more than cancel out the fiver I had to tempt him with.
The Bug: Boy, your years as federal Treasurer really taught you some
things?
Howard: Not really, Mal Colston showed me this one. Do you know that
in a good night at a top Melbourne restaurant, I can pocket close to $8000
and rack up almost 12,000 in frequent flier points! That's almost a Sydney
to Melbourne economy air fare, just about? I was at a restaurant one night
where Kerry Packer and his mates were eating and I made the equivalent of
an around-the-world flight, first class.
The Bug: But you of all people don't need cheap air tickets, surely?
Howard: Oh, it's not for me, heaven forbid. I'm doing it for a former
Cabinet minister who doesn't get around as much anymore.
The Bug: That'd be Sharp?
Howard: It is, isn't it? But please don't publicise the idea. It's
a doosie.
The Bug: Back onto politics for a moment. When you first won power
in that landslide in March last year, no one would have ever believed that
Labor had a chance to....
Male Patron: Excuse me gentlemen. I'm sorry to interrupt your conversation,
but I just had to come over and say how much I admire your work and what
you're trying to achieve. Would you mind signing this coaster for me?
Howard: Of course not. And thank you very very much for such kind
words, especially at this time.
Patron: Thank you. I really enjoyed your work in the original
Ghostbusters and my kids loved you to bits in Honey I Shrunk the
Kids.
Howard: I.. er...thank you. There's your coaster back.
Patron: The kids will love this. Thank you and once again and sorry
to interrupt.
The Bug: What was that all about?
Howard: Don't worry about it. It happens all the time.
The Bug: I was saying that your party no longer looks invincible...
Howard: Pardon me for a sec. There's another group leaving.
The Bug: Welcome back. Your wallet looks like it's going to explode?
Howard: No worries, I've got three others.
The Bug: As I was saying....
Female Patron: Excuse me, Mr Howard?
Howard: yes?
Woman: My husband's just so embarrassed about what went on there
before. He's asked me to come over and apologise profusely for his mistake.
Howard: Don't worry about it.
Woman: You're very kind. He just can't believe he made such a faux
pas over your identity when he's followed your career since you were a little
kid. He could have just died when he checked your signature.
Howard: Little kid?
Woman: He also wanted me to ask you what it was like working with
Tom Hanks on Apollo 13 and Mel Gibson in Ransom?
Howard: Ah, er ... good, really good. No, they're both very talented,
hard working ministe .. ah actors.
Woman: Thank you. And have a nice afternoon.
The Bug: What was that all about?
Howard: Don't worry about it. It happens all the time.
The Bug: Back onto the travel rots saga. Can't you see why the public
are angry?
Howard: Of course I can. And stop calling me a cunt!
The Bug: Pardon? Geez, you are tetchy at the moment. If you
don't mind my saying, you seem much more agitated than in our last interview
in the Golden Wing lounges at Sydney, Canberra, Melbourne and Perth airports
last year. Could I put it to you that these rumours of a leadership challenge
are perhaps starting to eat away at your confidence?
Howard: Nonsense. I have the total support of both the parliamentary
and administrative wings of my party.
The Bug: Costello and Reith?
Howard: Right behind me.
The Bug: You've been in federal Parliament longer than just about
anybody. Do you think you could settle for a life outside the cut and thrust
of daily politics?
Howard: Of course. If and when I leave politics, Julie and I...
The Bug: Janette.
Howard: Janette and I will have a wonderful time just doing the sort
of things average Australians take for granted.
The Bug: Such as?
Howard: The movies for one. Yeah, why not. It'll give us a chance
to catch up on our favourite movies. We just love Rock Hudson and Doris
Day but we haven't seen any of the ones they've made in recent decades?
Our video will be working overtime, that's for sure. Oh, pardon me for a
sec. There's another group leaving.
The Bug: Hello again. You've got your leisure time mapped out, but
what about a career post-Canberra?
Howard: As you know, I've always been a staunch support of small
business – it's the backbone of this great nation, you know. So Julie
and I.....
The Bug: Janette.
Howard: So Janette and I have been thinking about getting into a
sound, hands-on sort of business – we're not sure yet but we're leaning
towards maybe a suburban drive-in cinema or a putt putt golf course.
The Bug: A clean break from politics then?
Howard: Almost. I'd like to keep on as national president of the
Friends of Bob Menzies if the other member will have me.
The Bug: Evonne Chapman?
Howard: Yeah. How did you know that?
The Bug: Educated guess. Well, I guess that finishes our interview,
Mr Prime Minister. And thanks for your time.
Howard: My pleasure. Do you mind if I grab your paper's expenses
money for our lunch and put it on my card?
The Bug: We only had water and shared a plate of chips?
Howard: Doesn't matter. There you go, miss.
Receptionist: Thank you. Now just sign there. Good. And on behalf
of the management, I'd like to thank you for choosing our restaurant to
dine at today.
Howard: Think nothing of it. It's been my pleasure.
Receptionist: You 're very kind. Do you mind my asking if you still
get to see anything of Ronnie Barker?
