TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
You become a victim of the Pan Pharmaceutical tainted tablets scandal when a bad reaction to your daily dose of horny goat weed finds you at midnight in the petting enclosure at Alma Park Zoo.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
You're not entirely convinced, but your spouse is adamant that spending the next four years hiding in an attic cupboard could lead to wealth and overnight celebrity.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
Friends think it's rather pathetic, but you still boast that your best "brush with fame" ever was when a former Big Brother housemate winner drove you to the airport in his taxi.

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
You can't believe your luck when walking down a dark and deserted laneway at night carrying a cricket bat you bump into Bill Gates.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
You watch Channel 9's "hot" US show Sex and the City and wonder what all the fuss is about since its stars are four tired old swamp sows you wouldn't root for practice.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
On retiring after 47 years with the local council road gang - with little superannuation and fewer savings - you realise it was your strict application of the "I before E except after C" rule you were taught in Year 4 that prevented you from enjoying a rich and rewarding academic career.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
Your bid to snare a slice of both the electronic games and gay markets fails when consumers fail to show any interest in your Pokeaman game.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
You are caught in a vicious circle of ever-increasing debt when you tear up your cheque book and switch to phone banking for its convenience, but overlook the fact you still have a rotary dial phone.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
You cannot believe your luck when walking down a dark laneway late at night carrying a cricket bat, you meet the guy credited with inventing techno music.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
You start preparing an emotion-charged acceptance speech for Best Actor for next year's Oscars but realise the chances you'll need it are slim, because the forward roster at the bacon factory has you working the late shift that night.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
Despite commissioning several studies, you are no closer to working out why the person in front of you at the automatic teller machine is always illiterate, innumerate, dyslexic and shortsighted.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
You are advised to seek psychiatric help after walking down the aisle of an aircraft and talking to imaginary passengers including Buddy Holly, the Big Bopper, Ritchie Valens, Patsy Cline, Jim Croce, Ricky Nelson and Otis Redding. Luckily your job as a commercial airline pilot means you can afford the best possible treatment.