Search for Saddam will be costly

Dear Morrie
Don't you think it's unusual that since the fall of Baghdad there's been no definite indication of the fate of Saddam Hussein?
The Americans are supposed to have high-tech satellite systems that pinpoint the movement of just about everyone else on the face of the planet. Yet while the Yanks, the Brits and the Australians have been crawling all over Iraq for the past few months, Saddam seems to have disappeared off the face of the earth.
Despite all their technological superiority, the US can't catch Osama Bin Laden and now they can't find Saddam or even tell us if he's still alive.
What do you think? Is he alive or dead?

Puzzled
Keperra

Dear Puzzled
You've hit the nail right on the head, old son. People all over the world need to know what's happened to Saddam. The fact the Yanks can't tell us suggests to me that something fishy is going on.
You're right to say they have satellites that can read cigarette packets on the ground or the number plates on cars in Baghdad, yet they can't say where Saddam is.
Please! Give us a break! Are we expected to believe that?
No, I reckon old Georgie W knows full well that Saddam is out there somewhere, still living and breathing and snacking on baby kebabs - and I'm not talking serving size either.
It's not unknown for people to be hoodwinked into thinking someone is dead, when in reality they're very definitely alive.
Even Adolf Hitler was reputed to have snuck out of Berlin at the end of WWII to live in South America, as my old mate Skasie reminded me just the other day.
And don't forget our own Harold Holt was supposed to have been snapped up by a Noah off the coast of Victoria way back in 1967.
Yet when I was in Perth a few months back visiting my old mate Bondy, I'm convinced I saw our long-lost PM.
I'd just finished a liquid lunch with Alan at his place and was driving back to my hotel around 7am when I spied this silver-haired old bloke outside a Dalkeith nursing home.
I pulled the rental car further onto the footpath, unfortunately frightening the old bugger in the process.
He shuffled off pretty promptly for a bloke who's now 95 and shot through the nursing home gates.
But when I got out and yelled "Holt?", he stopped - good enough proof for me that I'd found our nation's former leader.
Unfortunately, two rather burly nursing home attendants (or were they ASIO operatives?) bundled the old fella through the doors and told me in no uncertain terms to be on my way.
Don't worry, I'll be back there one day to continue my investigations.
On the subject of Saddam, I reckon it's time somebody took a stand and, as usual, the old Morrie is prepared to step forward and do the dirty work.
I plan to mount a major paramilitary operation to find Saddam and bring him to justice.
It'll be a big job, and a costly one. Luckily, I've already set up a special fund to finance it.
So if you and your friends and family can spare a few bucks - just a K or two each - I can start planning the details.
Send me a cheque made out to Capture Alive Saddam Hussein and I'll soon get things moving at my end.
Bugger it, to save your time and mine, just make it out to CASH.

I'll be in touch.
Morrie

Morrie Bezzle is chairman of Yu En Security Council Pty Ltd, executive director of Coffee & Ann Consulting, and general manager of Bezzle Cadaver Transport Systems (trading as Bag Dad - and Mum Too!).
He has written exclusively for The Bug for many years.