POLLIEspeak made easy

You know how, when you get a missive from your bank which begins "in an effort to improve services to you", you know instinctively that the third paragraph down will explain why higher fees or charges are necessary?
Well, politics is really much the same. Behind the carefully chosen and convoluted words of our public representatives lies the simple truth of the matter.
But being the truth our pollies are always reluctant to come out with it. So here's some recent political utterances, and what the pollies were really saying.

Kevin Rudd MP:
"In the interests of unity and as a loyal member of the Shadow Cabinet, I believe Simon Crean should lead the party into the next election."

("I haven't got the numbers")

"My only ambition is to be Foreign Minister in a Labor government led by Simon Crean."

("Too many of my Caucus colleagues think I'm a nakedly ambitious, self-promoting, obnoxious little turd")

Wayne Swan MP:
"Simon Crean is by far the best person to lead us into the next election."

("I haven't got the numbers")

"My only ambition is to be Families Minister in a Labor government led by Simon Crean."

("Too many of my Caucus colleagues think I've got the personality of a roof-rack")

Former ALP leader Kim Beazley:
"I will not be making a challenge to Simon Crean at this stage."

("I haven't got the numbers ...or the ticker")

Mark Latham MP:
"Simon's as dull as dishwater, he's got the charisma of a botched triple by-pass operation and the sooner someone boots his puny little arse into the middle of next week the better."

("Simon's as dull as dishwater, he's got the charisma of a botched triple by-pass operation and the sooner someone boots his puny little arse into the middle of next week the better")

Federal Treasurer Peter Costello:
"These latest economic indicators underline the strength of the Australian economy."

("The arse is falling out the place - how much longer can I hold this together until the bonsai Churchill packs his bags?")

Prime Minister John Howard:
"I'll be making a statement soon about my future plans".

("I'm a sneaky, conniving, manipulative and lying little prick so surely my amazing run of good luck has got to run out soon.")