Australia faces its worst civil aviation disaster in history, an exclusive
Bug investigation has revealed.
Hundreds of unsuspecting passengers face almost certain death in a series
of mid-air tragedies.
The deaths, which could run into the thousands, are expected to begin occurring
between October 8 this year and September 30 next year.
To make things worse, the victims will be happily taking what they thought
were free domestic and international flights won in an Ansett Airlines flight
giveaway competition now under way throughout Australia.
The Bug investigation has shown that the value of the flight prizes bears
no relationship to the standard ticket prices on any routine services provided
by the airline.
Our investigation shows that the fineprint on the Great In-Flight Giveaway
card (above) reveals that the return domestic economy flights are "valued
between approximately $100 and $120".
The return economy overseas flights to either Hong Kong, Shanghai, Taipei,
Seoul, Osaka, Kuala Lumpur, Jakata, Bali or Auckland are "valued between
approximately $360 and $410".
The Bug probe revealed that there are NO domestic economy return flights
from Brisbane anywhere near $120.
An Ansett Airlines spokesperson would not be contacted as this issue of
The Bug went to press, so we're winging it from here on in and making
the rest of this up.
But, clearly, the enormous discrepancy between the real and stated value
of the prizes can only mean that:
* Contest winners will be strapped to the wing for the duration of the flight,
thus missing out on all in-flight meals, snacks and oxygen; or
* Contest winners will be ferried in the domestic pets hold in the fuselage
below the main passenger cabin; or
* Contest winners will be allowed to take their seat in the main passenger
cabin, but will be asked to make up the shortfall once airborne; or
* Contest winners who can't afford the difference will asked to leave the
aircraft when their allotted travel entitlements are exhausted.
For example, a Brisbane-based winner who had hoped for perhaps an economy
airfare to Sydney (normal cost around $570) will, by The Bug's reckoning,
be asked to leave the aircraft at around Armidale.
The only trouble with that is that Ansett Airlines does not land at Armidale.
A 767-200 should, however, have reached its cruising altitude of around
11,000 metres and bruising speed of 870km/hr.
And one aviation expert told The Bug that leaving a jet aircraft
at that height and speed "is not the safest thing in the world to do".
"It would be a classic example of the adage: winners are spinners."
Contestant winners on the international routes will fare no better.
Once again, don't hold us to the exact location as one of the beads on our
three-in-one plain paper fax, photocopier and abacus was sticking as we
made these calculations, but we think that a Brisbane winner embarking on
a round trip to Osaka (economy return valued at, well, oodles) will be leaving
the aircraft somewhere high above the Coral Sea just to the southeast of
Papua New Guinea.
At least the scenery should be breathtaking on the way down.
