SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
You buy a pair of the new Ian Thorpe undies but return them for a refund because they don't have the big bulge in front like the ones you saw him modelling on TV.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
Your mates think you're a legend when you start bragging about the Year 12 girls you got drunk and screwed at Schoolies Week, but then your Senior Sergeant overhears you.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
Your plan to photocopy your backside at the office Christmas party comes to nothing when you discover the copier doesn't handle A2 paper.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
Watching yet another TV ad for a rug outlet that "must" discount its wares by up to 80% or face liquidation (again), you wonder, if they're in such dire financial straits, how they can afford the ad in the first place.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
Sitting outside the Myer change room, you know in an instant you are on a hiding to nothing when your partner emerges and asks: "Do you think my big fat lard-arse looks even bigger in this?"

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
You face numerous compensation claims from staff in a major city high-rise building when, because of a misunderstanding, you install bagpipe music in the lifts.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
You find a quick cure for your week-long constipation - watching just a few minutes of one of Jamie Oliver's cookery shows.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
You audition for a part in a pimple-treatment TV commercial but are rejected because you actually have pimples.

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
After the recent Rugby World Cup campaign you yet again wish that in the past 20 years someone in New Zealand could have written a song other than Slice of Heaven.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
You finally meet someone who accepts you for what you are - genital warts and all.

SWAN (Done 47 to 45)
As a master of revisionist politics you have no trouble at all convincing people that Beazley's loss had nothing to do with you being an offensive, obnoxious, egotistical, vacuous and smarmy turd.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
You are still not talking to your spouse for giving you the nickname Santa Claus, seeing you come only once a year.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
After viewing the last episode of Australian Story for 2003, you wonder if Bob Hawke also suffers from Alzheimer's disease because during their marriage he often forgot he was married to Hazel.