Formula for constitutional chaos

According to veteran London-based royal correspondent NIGEL DUMPSTER, the ramifications of a commoner ascending the British throne are almost too diabolical to consider.

The fabric of English society could be torn asunder if claims of Prince Harry's parentage were true and he became King of England.
Members of the House of Windsor are eminently suited to carrying out their roles, and they do them brilliantly, a concerned senior courtier explained to me in the strictest of confidence in a gay bar near Clarence House just the other day.
"They hold very, very boring positions and they simply couldn't do them well if not for the fact that they're totally inbred and really don't know a lot about what's going on around them, even when people converse with them in their native German," he said.
"The only reason none of the Royal Family has ever had to tie their own shoelaces is that none of them know how to.
"They hold positions totally unsuited to someone of common stock and if it's true that Prince Harry is indeed the son of Major James Hewitt and Princess Diana, he'd be totally unsuited for the demanding role of monarch.
"Sure the princess was from the privileged classes, but blue rinse is not blue blood, dear boy!
"To alleviate the boredom of it all King Harry would start to meddle in everyday political matters, evoking a constitutional crisis like no other.
"No, if these latest disclosures of Prince Harry's parentage are true, the future of the British Empire depends on Prince Charles not only ascending to the throne when duty calls, but for him to reign for even longer than his wonderful mother, Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth has.
"No, we'd be totally safe with King Charles. He has never once expressed a desire to experience the sensation of wiping his own arse."