LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
After being on it for the best part of a week, your new seaweed and cabbage diet suddenly takes a turd for the worse.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
You and you partner attend an an all-night rave party at a local gay bar and end up with eyes under your rings.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
Your backyard is packed with UFO enthusiasts after you hang your underpants out to dry, exposing a number of mysterious crap circles.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
After watching last week's episode of Skithouse, you realise they're out by one letter.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
Despite failing every part of the written and practical tests, you still get a driver's licence after you offer to demonstrate for the Transport Department testing officer your skill at reverse porking.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
You tape an episode of Jamie Oliver's cooking program and edit out the bits where he says "yeah", "me old mate", "easy peasy", and "pucker", only to find the show then lasts just a little more than four minutes.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
Just when you think the election of Arnold Schwarzenegger as Governor of California can only be bad news, you read he plans to give up acting.

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
You wonder if one of your local hotels is really all that popular when you ask for some stubbies to take away and are sold a six-pack of Brisbane Bitter.

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
You wish you could get a job on local TV shows such as Enough Rope and The Panel that are already ending their run for the year and will resume around March 2004.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
You are intrigued to read that, due to a spelling mistake, one of the first matches to be played in the 2003 Rugby World Cup will pit the All Blacks against The Wannabes.

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
As you are about to enter a city nightclub you are shocked to see the front-door bouncer has hair.

VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
Just when you think rugby union has changed its image from that as a game played by arrogant, yuppie thugs, you catch the new Nike ad on TV.