Sting in the tale for the media

Dear Morrie
I'm disgusted at the way the Australian and British media have treated poor Prince Harry during his stay so far in Queensland.
There don't seem to be any rules, let alone any decency, in the scrutiny the Prince is put under on what is meant to be a private visit.
I'd like to know what I can do to make Prince Harry's life easier and to ensure he knows not all Aussies are unprincipled stickybeaks like our media.

Angry
Bundaberg

Dear Angry
I couldn't agree more. Privacy is a precious commodity.
Just the other day I was having a chinwag with my old mate Bondy who recently came out of seclusion to join in the celebrations for the 20th anniversary of Australia winning the America's Cup.
Bondy knows all about being in the public spotlight. There isn't a facet of his life that hasn't been sniffed at, turned over and magnified by those reptiles in the media.
Same goes for my old pal Skasie. He was subjected to relentless pressure from the media just because he decided to take a bit of an extended break overseas while he regrouped and planned his next big venture.
Luckily that pressure's now eased off a bit.
There's no doubt in my mind that the Aussie and Pommy media represent some of the lowest scum of the earth. They're always willing to poke their telephoto lenses up everyone else's cloaca, except their own.
Having said that, I'm a businessman at heart and if I can make a quid off the media then I'll do it. It'd be madness not to, wouldn't it?
So, if you're interested, I've a plan to sting the media right where it hurts them most - in the wallet.
You'd be aware just how much dosh those scummy Fleet Street tabloid rags pay for titbits of gossip about any member of the Royal Family.
Blokes like old Rupert Murdoch - an ex-Aussie boy and now a fully fledged Septic - have always known that sex sells. His UK fish wrappers are chock-a-block with outrageous yarns about the lives of those behind the Buck House fence - remember poor old Fergie couldn't even a toe job by someone other than her hubby without having it splashed across the front page.
There's a definite market for tales of royal shenanigans - a market I plan to exploit.
It's a simple concept. All that's needed is to find an Aussie sheila or sheilas who've done the deed with young Prince Harry.
I know they'll be out there. After all, he's been in Australia for a few weeks now, and those outback gals would have been lining up for a right royal rogering.
I know just how randy and starved of real male company they can get out there in the dusty corners of our wide brown land. I'm not one to brag, but in my younger days when I was on the road flogging meteorite insurance to farmers, there weren't too many nights the old Morrie had to hang the "vacancy" sign above his motel bed.
Add to that the fact Harry's grandad has always been a mad pants man, his dad is known to enjoy the odd highland fling, and at least one of his uncles is the same (remember Randy Andy?) and it's a dead cert the young Prince has been stabbing the rabbit non-stop since arriving on our shores.
So if I can find any young lass willing to tell all about her night of passion with Prince Harry - even if it was just a few minutes or seconds - then I can flog her story to the UK tabloids at a huge price and make a killing.
But before that happens we need to recall one of the first principles of being a successful entrepreneur: Sometimes you have to spend money to make money.
There'll be plenty of expenses incurred before I get to the stage of discussing suitable reimbursement with the likes of Rupe or his reps - things like a makeover for the girl (or girls) in question, a new frock or two, a tasteful topless photo shoot ... the list just goes on and on.
And even prior to that there's the cost of advertising for those who've had a royal root bestowed on them to come forward.
This first stage of the process is critical. Without it we all might as well fold our tents now.
So if you're keen to be in on the ground floor on this one, let me know. Send me a few Ks for the special fund I've set up and I'll start cranking up the publicity machine to locate our young Prince's bedmate.
Just send me a cheque made out to Calling Anyone Shagging Harry and I'll soon get things moving at my end.
Bugger it, to save your time and mine, just make it out to CASH.
I'll be in touch.
Morrie

Morrie Bezzle is managing director of House of Windsor Smallgoods Pty Ltd, executive director of Buckingham Palace House Swap Holidays (in liquidation), and chairman of Prince of Whales Seafoods (Nippon) Inc.