VIRGO (Aug 24 to Sept 23)
You read in a fan mag that Richard Gere has signed to appear in the sequel, An Officer and a Gerbil.

LIBRA (Sept 24 to Oct 23)
You buy a DVD of the Lara Croft adventure flick from a bloke in the pub but, on closer inspection, suspect it might be a low-rent, pornographic pirated version when you see its title: Lara Croft - Womb Raider.

SCORPIO (Oct 24 to Nov 22)
Your love life will take a turn for the worse, with your mistress accusing you of being unfaithful.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 23 to Dec 22)
You discover a new sex drug called Niagra that does nothing to maintain an erection but delivers voluminous wet dreams.

CAPRICORN (Dec 23 to Jan 20)
Your love life takes a bizarre twist when the contortionist you are dating says she'd bend over backwards for you.

AQUARIUS (Jan 21 to Feb 19)
You tell your girlfriend you'd like a CD for your birthday, but are disappointed when he doesn't turn up.

PISCES (Feb 20 to Mar 20)
However, you're thrilled when she says she wants a TV in the bedroom for her birthday.

ARIES (Mar 21 to Apr 20)
After you accidentally overdose on viagra, paramedics have to stand you upright to get you through the door at the local hospital emergency ward.

TAURUS (Apr 21 to May 20)
You know yourself you lead a most boring and predictable life in which nothing exciting or new ever happens, so why do you always put yourself through the pain of reading these star signs?

GEMINI (May 21 to June 21)
Your girlfriend starts laughing hysterically after you undress, and you realise you should have told the genie you found in that old lamp that you wanted to be hung like a gnu, not a gnat.

CANCER (June 22 to July 23)
After hearing a lot about him over the years, you finally get to meet former Senator Mal Colston.

LEO (July 24 to Aug 23)
You apply to join the Pauline Hanson Support Group but are promtly told that because you're only 56, you'll have to join the junior section for at least four years.