UN DO IT, SAYS BUSH

Earlier this year the US went to war in Iraq without the backing of the United Nations and with opposition being expressed openly by allies such as France and Germany. Now, months after US President George W Bush declared major hostilities to be over, but with unrest in Iraq and troop casualties mounting, America is asking the UN for help. In this exclusive report, The Bug reproduces the text of key letters George W Bush wrote personally to UN Secretary-General Kofi Annan. They chart the shift in America's attitude towards the UN before, during and after the war on Iraq.

8 March 2003

Dear Coffee
I must say I am verry disappointed at yor attitude to my plans to invade Irack.
Its a sine of weekness on your part and that of the UN to sit on the sidelines while we - the United States of Amerika - does our part to bring piece to the werld.
Given your name I wood have hoped you'd be an strong black, not an weak one.
As Uncle Dick and Uncle Don have explained to me, there is such an thing as the domino effect.
You might not have herd of it, but as Uncle Dick and Uncle Don keep teling me it meens if Saddum Hussane is aloud to continue his rain of terrier in Irack, then no country in that part of Asia are safe.
I erge you to think about the footure four the people in other Axes of Eevil countrees like Onan, Yesmen, Algoria and North Career.
In the past few months I and I administration have put together wot Uncle Dick and Uncle Don are calling a "collision of the willing".
These are nashions wiling to fite evil peeple like Hassain.
There is lots of countries sining up. Even Poland is part of my teem. Although I'm not shore if it's the North Poland or the South Poland.
It doesn't matter reely. We will start a wor and we wil win it. Uncle Dick and Uncle Don say so.
So there!
George W Bush

***
10 April 2003
Hey Coffee,
House it going Bro? Or, given your name, should I say Hi Brew!
Well, well, well, look whose laughing now? You were the one saying we didn't have the grounds (ha ha ha) to invade Iruk.
Well weeve dun just that, old Coffee bean!
We acted wile peeple like you and the Francers and the Germaniums sat by and percolated.
In case you mist it, today in Irak the big statyue of Sademm Husain was pulled off its pedastill in the middle of Bagdaad.
So we wun and we didn't need any help from you and your buddies at the UN.
All I can say to you iss: Nyaah, nyaah, nyaah, nyaah! See you latte.
George W Bush

***
1 September 2003

My dearest Secetry-Genral
As you wood bee aware, our troops have been dying for quite some time now to have someone share the job of policing post-war Irack.
Indeed, Uncle Dick and Uncle Don tell me Polish forces have now taken over that tarks from our own brave young men and women in an larje part of the countree and I am hopful that other South Americkan nashions, such ass Australia, will soon folow suite.
With the help of the UN - under yor farsited and brave leedership - we will be able to leave Irack exactly as we found it - except for the oil, of corse.
There is an lot of wurk to bee dune in Irac. But lukkilly the hundreads of bomms wee dropped there in the wor blue up Sademm Huusein's wepons of mass distruction. So they are no longer a problum.
Uncle Dick and Uncle Don tell mee that wee are also on track to giv the Irax a systum of democrasy like the wun wee have hear in Amerika - the type that let mee win in 2000.
That's moore good news, isn't it Coffee my dear friend.
Their wil of coarse be a cost to the UN if it desides to help us out in Iracc.But I think sumone as smart as you, my deer Coffee, wil see the benefut in beeing involvd in bilding a sekure and lasteing piece in the reegion.
Just let me know when yuo think your UN troups mite arrive so I can tell our boys and gurls to come home (and I wont have to aks Kongress for that extra $90 bilions).
With kindester regardes,
George W Bush

EUROPE'S RESPONSE

As well as approaching the UN, George W Bush also wrote recently to the leaders of anti-war allies France and Germany to ask for their help in administering post-war Iraq. The Bug reproduces below key extracts of the replies received by the US President.

"Retourne enculer les mouches!"
Jacques Chirac
President of France

"Mach es dir selber! Wichser."
Gerhard Schroder
Chancellor of Germany